Friday, 30 May 2008

Hand Over Notes

My fellow Nigerians, di one wey I hia yestade I laff so tey I dey piss for boxers. Talking about boxers, my friend from Nigeria called the other day and asked if I was still a member of the ‘tubeless-club’. Tubeless? Fo this kol’ kontri? Any attempt to do tubeless for dis kontri na kol’ go freeze una blokos.
Sorry for the digression, I just couldn’t but mention that. Anyway, I hia say mai-gida no fit pafom sake of say Aremu, Baba Iyabo no gi’am hand-over notes bifo im go Ota.

I thought about this matter carefully and asked my friends why Aremu, Baba Iyabo could have omitted to perform such an important task and my friends came up with very interesting excuses for the Ota Landlord.

First Friend: “Baba Iyabo actually prepared a very well written and detailed hand-over note which he kept very close to himself in order to personally place it in Mai-gida’s hands. One fateful day however, after a meal of hot amala, gbegiri soup and palm wine, Baba-Iyabo had to go and use the toilet. After doing his business Baba-Iyabo discovered that there was no toilet roll in the toilet so he decided to improvise with the hand-over note and since it took him eight years to write that one Mai-gida would have the hand-over notes in about seven years time”.

Second Friend: “Haba! How can there be a toilet in Aso-Rock with no toilet roll? This was what actually happened. The hand-over notes were actually prepared on a Word document and they were supposed to be e-mailed to Mai-gida but you see Baba got too impatient with the Cisco trained, Microsoft certified, Internet expert, software genius, UN recommended IT consultant who was brought in from the United States to teach him how to send e-mails so instead of hitting the SEND button Baba hit the DELETE button and that’s why Mai-gida never got the hand-over notes.”

Third Friend: “Hand-over notes Ko, leg-under notes nii? Who gave Abdusalami hand-over notes when he took over from Abacha? No be Indian prostitute hand-over apple to Abacha? Abi who gave Baba-Iyabo himself hand-over notes when Muritala was killed? So are you trying to say Mai-gida has not used any toilet in Aso-Rock because he doesn’t have the hand-over notes? Or are you saying the guy has not received any salary since he became President because those are the sort of things you should expect to find in a hand-over note. Look gentlemen, I have a lot of respect for the President and I’m hoping this shameless excuse for gross ineptitude is not coming from him but the sadistic, vitriolic and rancorous vituperations of a redundant civil servant who has….”

At that point I had to stop him, babu turenchi sose fa!

My dilemma is that I don’t know which one of them to agree with because the first two each appeared like they were giving an eye-witness account of the situation.

Abeg fellow Nigerians, which one of the three do you agree with?

Till Monday, have a nice weekend.

Thursday, 29 May 2008

The South African Killings

Fellow Nigerians, wetin dey sele for South Africa? Una don hia from your pipul wey dey South Africa so?

Isn’t it rather barbaric that South African Nationals are turning against their African brothers and killing them? Less than twenty years ago African countries risked the wrath of so called powerful Western Nations pressing for sanctions against the Apartheid regime in South Africa. How many of you remember the 1986 Commonwealth Games? How many of you remember say na Maradona be President that time. No be di one wey dey play for Argentina O! Anyway, Maradona led a very successful boycott of the Commonwealth Games then in protest against Britain’s support of the Apartheid regime in South Africa. Almost all other Commonwealth countries except for the likes of Canada, Australia, NewZealand and United Kingdom boycotted the games. It was a real blow to the United Kingdom. Shortly afterwards, the United Kingdom announced that Nigerian citizens would require a visa to enter their country. I’m sure you know the rest of the story from there. Honestly, I’ve never seen a more ungrateful set of people than South Africans. Meanwhile, dem local champion, Mbeki, don carry im bia-bia, wey make am resemble he-goat, go visit Japan when wahala dey for im dormot. Sebi dem National team dey come play Super Eagles for Saturday? Sikena! Na for dat place we go sho dem pepper.

My Naija pipul if we tok say make everybodi no dey use MTN again una no go hia wod. Common make everybody boycott British Airways my pipul no fit do.

Talking about the British Airways incident, you see, Oyinbo pipul no get respect for us at all at all. The problem however is that we always sell ourselves short! I understand that the Attorney General, wetin be im name sef, was telling the visiting Lord Mayor of London, David Lewis Alderman, that the British Government should stop harassing Nigerian citizens. Na so so tok we sabi tok. The question is this however, who the F@*#% is this David Lewis Alderman? Let me explain to you, my fellow country men. London City is an administrative area within London itself. The Mayor of London is different from the Mayor of London City. If you like, the Mayor of London is like the Governor of Lagos State, while this David guy is like… una don get am, Chairman of Eti-Osa Local Government Area, imagine that! To make matters more ridiculous, he was the one who came to return the £150,000:00 allegedly confiscated from Joshua Dariye by the British Government. The question is this, why do we stoop so low that it is the whole Attorney General of the Federation, the number one lawyer for the country, who will be asked to receive someone whose authority is only equivalent to that of Eti-Osa Local Government Chairman? The real issue however is that the British Government is only showing Nigeria how much respect they have for us by sending someone of David Alderman’s status to deliver a message to our Attorney General.

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Tribute to Sunny Okosuns

I was saddened to read about the death of Sunny Okosuns at the age of Sixty-One years. When I was younger I used to think he was from South Africa. There was something about him that reminded me of South-Africa. Maybe it was the number of songs he sang about that country back then when they were still groaning under the yolk of an apartheid regime.
Isn’t it funny how everybody today wants to associate themselves with Nelson Mandela. The epitome of political correctness in the hypocritical Western World of today is to call Nelson Mandela your hero. So tay dey wan do im 90th birthday for London here. Na so so important pipul go come celebrate the birthday. The very same people who represent the establishment that sent him to jail several years ago. Not a single one of the people organising the birthday party for Mandela will remember the likes of our late Sunny Okosuns who cried relentlessly for his release from prison back in those days. May the good Lord give his family the fortitude to bear his loss.

I hia say holiday dey for Nigeria tomorrow, (29th May 2008). Bobs, I too laik dat country. Na so so work for this Jand sef. No be say na di Oyinbo pipul dey do the wok O. For where? Na we we dem. Imagine di time wey Chelsea and Man U enter European Cup finals, two English teams fa! When dem enter final I bin tink say dem go declare public holiday for di fans of di two teams. (I be Chelsea fan true, true) Fa, fa, fa, fowl dem no even send. I had nightmares throughout the night of how JT lost that penalty kick. On my way to work the next day, I called my boss to remind him of something. Guess what the prick said when he picked my call. “Don’t even think of calling in sick today, John Terry is still going to collect his One hundred and thirty thousand Pounds weekly pay. No pay for you if you don’t show your arse at work this morning. Hello, can I help you?” The prick!

I also hia say Mai-gida for Aso Rock go reach one year. Na wa O! Time flies. Rankadede Baba Ke! Make fila last for una head, make Babariga last for una body.
Can I have your sincere opinion, on a scale of one to ten, how Mai-gida has performed since he’s been in office? Mucho Gratias. (I dey learn Spanish small small) I’ll talk about that later.

Apologies to those of you wey no fit read pidgin English. Reminds me of Ramoni. He was my classmate back in primary school. One day the headmaster outlawed vernacular speaking in school. Anybody who spoke vernacular would be severely punished. Ramoni no sabi English at all at all. E get one time wey Ramoni wan go toilet and Ramoni no sabi how im go tell tisha say im wan go toilet. Ramoni hold am so tay, im no fit hold am again na so Ramoni shit for bodi O! Since that day a special concession was made for Ramoni in times of emergency.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Intro To Naijaleta

It’s difficult knowing what to start a new blog with. Usually, very few people get to read your first post. Anyway, as a proper Naija person, make I troway salute for una.
I’m writing from London at the moment but as I have stated in the heading, this blog will comment on issues related to our obodo Nigeria.

I met an Oyinbo man once who used to live in Nigeria and this was what he said, “you’ve got to have a bloody good sense of humour to enjoy living in that country.” Na Oyinbo man tok so. At first I thought he was making fun of the country but shortly afterwards, Newsweek magazine wrote an article saying Nigerians were the happiest people on earth! Oyinbo man was right, Nigerians generally have a good sense of humour and that’s why we have been considered the happiest people on earth. That’s why I have decided to add my own collection to the humour.

Over here for Jand, most people are in a hurry and they are almost always looking disgruntled. Not to talk of the cold. When dat col’ waya una finish, Walahi! Una go begin cry say, “na wetin I dey find come dis Jand?”
Anyway, message to those of you still aspiring to come here and settle. Abeg come for holiday first make una see the kin laif wey Naija people dey liv here. No be se I dey discourage una O! For where? Sebi na una wan sabi wetin kill Papa Johnson.

I’m sure you have heard of the credit crunch. No be the crunchie shokolet wey Cadbury dey sell O! Getting loans and credit was relatively easy in this country as long as you had a bank account and a lot of Naija boys collect loans and the banks no even see dem break-light again. Bifor, bifor if una tell Oyinbo say una wan collect loan to go holiday im go approve the loan and wish you safe journey. But now, to collect ordinary loan, dem go tell una make una go bring ya mama blood sample. Walahi!

The point I’m trying to make is that the world economic trend is shifting. Most European companies are diversifying investments to Africa especially the Nigerian Financial sector. The investment ship has set sail and its heading towards Africa. Don’t be missing from where the action is when the ship anchors. So many of us here are planning on coming home in the next couple of years.

You’ll be hearing a lot more from me. I intend to write a post everyday of the week except Saturdays and Sundays. Una no hear as Olu-Maintain sing for im song, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, boys dey hustle; Friday, Saturday, Sunday, gbogbo aiye.

Make I liv una wit the song sef. Enjoy, till I see you again.