Chinese Take Away

Those of you who called me agbaya because of what happened on the field last week I know you all and I’m going to reveal your real identities, walahi!

Charis, I saw those pictures you took, thank you very much. What I expected you to do was send me the pictures not that you should be playing inside the flood and snapping pictures of yourself playing inside water like a small boy. Iyen ni won ba e so abi ko kopret.

Talking about Chinese people, I understand that they have completely taken over Naija with their doll eyes.

How many of you remember those Chinese films? I’m sure Shubby-Doo watched several.
You remember those Chinese Kung-Fu students with their baggy black trousers, white T-shirts, black shoes and white socks. There was a time I thought all Chinese people dressed like that and were all good at Martial Arts. Much to my relief I discovered that not all Chinese people dressed like that. To my greater relief I discovered that not all Chinese people were good in Martial Arts or else I wouldn’t have had so much fun at my local Chinese take-away shop recently.

I walked into my local Chinese take-away shop the other day and I asked for my favourite dish.

ME: ‘Herro, I want kin plon fly lac.’ I said in my Chinese accent with a sheepish grin on my face.

Chinese lady in shop: What?

I repeated what I said earlier.

Chinese lady in shop: 'Oh, you mean King Plawn Flied Lice?'

Me: ‘Yes, Dat’s what I said earlier.’ I said as I pointed to the item on the menu. It was number 75 and it read, ‘King Prawn Fried Rice’.

Chinese lady in Shop: ‘You brak man I no rike you. You tink you can spekee Ingrish?’

Me: Eh, what has Barack Obama got to do with these?’ I said, pretending to be offended.

Chinese lady in shop: 'I no say, Balack Obama, I say, brak man, I no rike you.'

Me: Oh, you mean black man? You don’t like me?’

The Chinese lady kissed her teeth as she walked away with my order.

I was really enjoying myself.

She was immediately replaced at the counter by another Chinese Chap.

Me: ‘Eh, my friend, what’s your name?’ I asked him that question for the umpteenth time. Each time I asked him the question the conversation always followed the same pattern.

Chinese Chap: ‘My lame is Yaki’.

Me: Oh, Yaki. Nice name, what does it mean?’

Chinese Chap: ‘I no say, Yaki’ he said, exasperated. ‘Yaki, Yaki, like Yaki Jan.’

Me: ‘Oh, you mean Jackie as in Jackie Chan?’ I asked as if I didn’t know already.

Chinese Chap: ‘Yes!’

There was a brief moment of silence before I decided to look for trouble again.

Me: ‘Hey Jackie, who is the President of China?’

Jackie: ‘Yes, Hu.’

Me: ‘I asked you a question and you’re asking me again.’ I said pretending to be very cross.

Jackie: 'I no ask kweshon. I say Hu is plesident of China.'

Me: You see, that was the same question I asked you and you’re asking me back. I said who is the Chinese President?

Jackie: ‘I say yes, Hu is the Plesident of the pipru lepubric of China. ‘Jackie replied looking very confused.

I was really enjoying this moment

Me: ‘I take it that you don’t know who is the Chinese President.’ I said.

Jackie: ‘I know and I terr you. The name of the Plesident of China is Hu, Hu Jintao.’

I definitely knew the name of the Chinese President was Hu Jintao, I was only
having fun.

My order came before I could come up with another prank and Jackie was relieved to
see my back side.

I will be back there to terrorize them some more. They cannot chase me away because they know I rike Chinese food even if they don’t rike me.