The Solomonsydelle Sect

Did you guys actually think I will simply stop talking about you just like that? Nah! I enjoy talking about you guys a lot and I won’t stop I only took a break. Those of you who have been reading my posts would have noticed how I lurve looking for trouble. Honestly, I’m not the kind of person who will sit down jejeli and trouble will come and meet me. I would actually go and look for trouble. Remember ‘Yaki’ the Chinese guy?

Moving on, I had to struggle a bit with the title. Well, I had to decide between two titles, "Afrobabe Alliance" and "Solomonsydelle Sect". I chose the latter not because I don’t like Afrobabe, as a matter of fact,……Oh, never mind.

Alright, let me start by giving you some statistics about blogging. There are tens of millions of blogs and each day about one hundred and twenty thousand new blogs are created. That makes blogging quite a competitive endeavour if you’re looking at it from that point of view. You could have a blog, which nobody visits not because you’ve made it private but simply because there are several millions of other blogs struggling for attention.

If you visit other blogs outside the Nigerian blogging community you will notice that unless the blogger is some guru or spending a lot of money marketing his blog, on an average, each post would get just about 2-3 or at most 5 or 6 comments. I’m sure you will agree with me that is not the case within the Nigerian blogging community. A single post for regular bloggers gets an average of twenty to thirty comments. You even have bloggers commenting twice or even thrice on the same post. In some cases you have two bloggers running a conversation on another person’s blog or even having a three way conversation with themselves and the owner of the blog. That is because we see ourselves as belonging to a community.

Then you have Afrobabe, whose single post commands not fewer than eighty comments, over a hundred comments sometimes depending on how....er, interesting the post is or how, erm... stimulating the picture is. Wonder where she gets those pictures from.

Okay, this post is not about Afrobabe alone. It’s about all of you and the spirit of community that exists between all of us. I respect and sometimes get emotional over the fact that we all belong to a cyber community, look out for one another and behave as if we are all members of the same family.

Having said that, I’m aware of the fact that there are hundreds of other Nigerian bloggers who don’t belong to this particular community I’m talking about. I don’t know if you have all realised but there’s a particular community that bloggers whose names I’ve mentioned below belong to.

The reason I chose this title is because we all appear to pay obeisance in one way or the other to Solomonsydelle, the headmistress of blogsville. The reason I wanted to choose the other title was because we all have this habit of commenting on Afrobabe’s blog. I still don’t know why I chose to dedicate the post to Solomonsydelle and not Afrobabe. I’m sure Afrobabe knows how much I love her.

To the following bloggers in the Naija blogging community who belong to the group I call the "Solomonsydelle-Sect", I troway salute, and keep up the good work:

To Afrobabe, Aphrodite, Aloted and Bumight. Okay, brief pause, I’m trying to do this alphabetically but it may not work so don’t worry. Let’s just continue, anigeriandramaqueen, Jarrai, all the way from Gambia (Okay, I know she lives in London but she’s part of this lovely community). There’s Shubby doo aka flying-Snow, the Chinese lady who still owes me a hug, Esmeralda, buttercup and Charizard, ma mehn. How could I forget my fellow Chelsea fan, Wellsbaba or Tin-Tin onijogbon? The list goes on, six gbosas for Sasuke, badderchic, ms. O, femme fatale, ibiluv and fineboyagbero, whose English sounds a lot more polished than that of any agbero. Then you have, ejura, vera, aloofar, archiwiz and Isha my sweetheart. Notice that I put vera and aloofar together.

Did you guys actually think I was gonna forget to mention Oluwadee and freeflowingforida? Wow, this list is gonna be a long one O, we still have undacovasista, naijalines, naijababe, everyonelovesanaijababe, naijaidol, naijavixen, lighty ‘neferet’ kopearl, 30+, mommy, tairebabs, femi b and anonymousgirl.

Please help me! This guys will kill me if I don’t mention their names, Jaguda, tobena, ablackjamesbond, kay-Shawn, Rodney, ynot, the explorer and Waffarian.

Then you have the Porakot beauties, Mz. Dee and theicequeen. Those two deserve a whole paragraph and that’s why I have given them one.

Moving on, felicitations to goodnaijagirl, standtall, Iwalewa Mcdaniels, rita esuru okoroafor, naija sutra and musco. Then there’s Carlang, Zena, Jayjazzy, Jaycee, naapali, notperfectdotcom, unwritten and sting who is being suspected to be my blog crush.

I’m gradually getting to an end. Wow, this is really tedious. Na who send me message?

On the list we still have, lg, Omosewa, uzezi, princesa, nine, rayo, doja, qmoney, parakeet and Shona vixen, our beautiful Zimbabwean sister. Jaybabe from Botswana has stopped blogging, unfortunately.

Another person who deserves a whole paragraph is queenofmycastle, who is just a personification of the word, ‘beauty’.

If there’s any blogger, whose name I have not mentioned it’s due to lack of space, as in, memory space in my head for the name. No, no, just joking. Anyway, if you feel I’ve left any name out of the "Solomonsydelle-Sect" please let me know and if I have included any name that you think I shouldn’t have included please tell me, with reasons why you think I shouldn’t have include the name.

My Blogs, Warts and All

My blog posts are largely unedited. I don’t write a post and give it to someone to cast a ‘fresh eye’ on it. This is what I think, when you ask people to proof-read your posts before you publish they don’t only spot the mistakes they also want to express their opinions on what you have written and more often than not they sway yours and the post is no longer original. Probably better written but the originality is lost. My blog is my personal diary, though published for the whole world to see but it’s still my personal thing. It’s not a corporate or some other organisation’s blog, It’s moi. I want readers to connect with me on a personal level. I would like to meet a regular reader of my blog for the first time and make him feel he had known me since the day he started reading my blog. That is why I publish my posts, warts and all. It’s better to have a wysiwyg reputation. (What you see is what you get).
Unlike other types of publications I think the most authentic blogs should be the ones in their raw state.
Mind you, I don’t have the same opinion about other publications. A novel, be it fiction or fact, has to be properly edited before it is published because it’s not really about the writer. It’s more about the characters, storyline, plot and stuff. I think it actually bothers on criminal negligence to publish a textbook containing errors that could easily have been verified. (Lord help us if that was a medical text-book) abi Bumight? I must sha mention her name in my post. Lol.
Almost the same argument goes for news journals and other regular publications. My blog on the other hand is what it is, my blog. I’d rather be corrected by someone from Australia who leaves a comment on my blog than have a proof-reader correct me always before I publish only to fall far below expectation when I finally meet readers of my blogs in person. My writings have to reflect my personality.
Sometimes an embarrassing criticism from an unknown reader could be more effective than a gentle advice from a proof-reader pal.
Hey, that’s just my opinion you may have a different one. It’s just that I have this habit of being right all the time.
Having said that I go to great lengths to carefully go over what I’ve written a million times to verify my facts, check my spellings and grammatical constructions before I publish. So whatever error you come across in my blog, that’s me.
Maybe that is why I’m writing with a pseudonym so if my blog is considered rubbish I’d simply slip into oblivion and kill the pseudonym for good. Readers of my blog who see me later would never know I was the one and I would be saved a lot of embarrassment.

I’m aware of one thing however, that the most important factor to consider about blogging is to put the readers of the blog first.

Had Internet Problems Too

None of you would believe that I had problems with my Internet connection as well. I just chose to keep quiet about it. I’m the sort of person who faces the solution instead of the problem, if you know what I mean. I’m glad to tell you it’s all over now.

This is how it started: Those of you who have been to my facebook page before would notice that my answer to the question, ‘favourite TV shows’, was, ‘some idiot cut my sky cable’. Well, that’s very true. Came back from work one day and discovered that my Sky cable had been severed.

By the way, ‘Sky’ is the name of the most popular satellite TV service provider in the UK.

Under normal circumstances I should have simply called Sky to come and fix it but I couldn’t due to two reasons.
Before telling you what the reasons were let me say at this point that the Sky account, which included the TV and Internet connection belonged to my flatmate.

The first reason was because that was the second time that would be happening in less than four months. The first time it happened, Sky sent an engineer to come and fix the cable for free because my flat-mate threatened that she was going to leave the company and join another company. This time around she called Sky again and used the same line but they just told her to go to hell. (No, just joking, that’s bad publicity for Sky.) They explained to her, as professionally as they could, that they couldn’t possibly be sending their engineers out to fix her cable every other month. The second reason was because she was moving out of the flat because she was getting married so she didn’t think it made any sense to spend money fixing a cable in an apartment she was moving out of.

So, there was no television to watch but since the Internet connection was separate from the TV I had to turn onto the Internet and that was okay until my flatmate moved out and had to disconnect the Internet as well. Due to the fact that my flatmate had moved out I had to move out as well and look for another place to stay. What that meant was that I couldn’t fix the TV and Internet until I got another place.

I had to rely on a Mobile broadband service with the use of a small device called a dongle for several weeks. Wonderful piece of technology, smaller and lighter than most mobile phones. You don’t need to upload any software onto your computer, just plug and play. Those of you in the UK should know what I’m talking about; almost every mobile phone company here has a mobile broadband service. I mean no disrespect but bifor dat kain thing go land Naija Jesus Christ go don kom bak. My friend dey try video-call me from Naija last week, who sai?

Now the problem with mobile broadband is the connection speed, it’s slow. Forget about watching YouTube, you’ll only frustrate yourself. Commenting on other people’s blog was a bit of a challenge too. Some of you would have noticed that I may not have been commenting on your blogs. It’s nothing personal it was my Internet connection.

The dongle was my life saver anyway. Oh, and you guys too on blogsville. Without you guys and the dongle, I would have gone mad. Imagine coming back from work at around 5p.m to an empty flat with no TV, no Internet connection. I don’t drink and don’t have too many friends so going to the pub or hanging out with friends were not viable options.
Thank God for Dongle baby, which enabled me to blog, if I couldn’t do anything else. I was at least able to blog and interact with all of you and that kept me sane.

I have moved into a new flat now and have installed my broadband connection, which is fffffffffasst! Now I can watch video and every other thing I want to do on the Internet.
In appreciation of you guys (especially my blog crush) and my dongle, I dedicate, ‘That’s what friends are for’ by Dionne Warwick. Enjoy!

Morgan's Mistake

When I decided to start blogging, like most African leaders I had very lofty dreams of doing something positive to create a radical change. I wanted to be a political blogger and use my blog to prick the conscience of our leaders to cause a positive political change in Nigeria and Africa. Alas, what happened? I did a couple of posts on my blogsville brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, people like them and I got carried away. I abandoned my original mission. Then I heard a voice from heaven. Okay, maybe it wasn’t from heaven and this was what the voice said,

“Naijaleta, you have been distracted by all those fine, fine gals in blogsville and forgotten your original mission. You must return to your original duties of political blogging.”

And I said, “yessir, but what will I write about? I have forgotten how to write political blogs.”

The voice said, “I will show you.”

Then I switched on my T.V, okay it wasn’t mine I was watching T.V at my cousin’s place and I saw the most despicable thing, Morgan Tsvangirai, leader of Zimbabwe’s Movement for Democratic Change, shaking hands with Robert Mugabe!

Okay, before you all start saying,

“haba Naijaleta! They are finally drawing up a power-sharing deal and you’re complaining”, shut or minimize you browser, then shut your eyes for a minute and imagine yourself in the position of a young widow whose husband has just been brutally murdered by suspected Zanu-PF supporters because of his membership of the MDC, leaving you with five children and his aged mother to take care of. Now tell me that you will be happy seeing the man, whose party your husband was supporting shaking hands with the man whose thugs murdered your husband while his body is still very fresh in the make-shift, unmarked grave it was thrown into. Or worse still, while his body is still in the morgue because you’re still sorting out the funeral expenses. To make matters worse, both of them were wearing very expensive suits bought with enough money to feed your family for a whole year.

I will not bore you with details of the power-sharing agreement but I can bet you that for the average Zimbabwean, nothing changes because the man who offered them a glimmer of hope has already sold out on them. Oh, things will change for Morgan and his silly buddies quite all right but not for the average man in Zimbabwe.

What people like Morgan Tsvangirai do not realise is that Mugabe has a lot of money and can afford to retain the best Public Relations companies in the world. The hand-shake in the presence of the whole world was nothing but a Public Relations coup. Yet another political success for Mugabe and a humiliating defeat for Tsvangirai, who should have insisted to Thabo Mbeki and the other organisers of the meeting that he would attend the talks but would not sit beside Mugabe or shake hands with him in order not to insult the memory of the hundreds or so MDC supporters who died in the hands of suspected ZANU-PF thugs. That is how a true leader distinguishes himself from a greedy politician.

Unfortunately, he’s sold out, he’s probably going to get a senior ministerial role, a budgetary allocation, all the usual perks of a government job and it becomes business as usual again for the Mugabe government.

The people of Zimbabwe will continue to wallow in poverty and the statement that politicians cannot be trusted will once again prove to be correct.

What a shame!

Chinese Take Away

Those of you who called me agbaya because of what happened on the field last week I know you all and I’m going to reveal your real identities, walahi!

Charis, I saw those pictures you took, thank you very much. What I expected you to do was send me the pictures not that you should be playing inside the flood and snapping pictures of yourself playing inside water like a small boy. Iyen ni won ba e so abi ko kopret.

Talking about Chinese people, I understand that they have completely taken over Naija with their doll eyes.

How many of you remember those Chinese films? I’m sure Shubby-Doo watched several.
You remember those Chinese Kung-Fu students with their baggy black trousers, white T-shirts, black shoes and white socks. There was a time I thought all Chinese people dressed like that and were all good at Martial Arts. Much to my relief I discovered that not all Chinese people dressed like that. To my greater relief I discovered that not all Chinese people were good in Martial Arts or else I wouldn’t have had so much fun at my local Chinese take-away shop recently.

I walked into my local Chinese take-away shop the other day and I asked for my favourite dish.

ME: ‘Herro, I want kin plon fly lac.’ I said in my Chinese accent with a sheepish grin on my face.

Chinese lady in shop: What?

I repeated what I said earlier.

Chinese lady in shop: 'Oh, you mean King Plawn Flied Lice?'

Me: ‘Yes, Dat’s what I said earlier.’ I said as I pointed to the item on the menu. It was number 75 and it read, ‘King Prawn Fried Rice’.

Chinese lady in Shop: ‘You brak man I no rike you. You tink you can spekee Ingrish?’

Me: Eh, what has Barack Obama got to do with these?’ I said, pretending to be offended.

Chinese lady in shop: 'I no say, Balack Obama, I say, brak man, I no rike you.'

Me: Oh, you mean black man? You don’t like me?’

The Chinese lady kissed her teeth as she walked away with my order.

I was really enjoying myself.

She was immediately replaced at the counter by another Chinese Chap.

Me: ‘Eh, my friend, what’s your name?’ I asked him that question for the umpteenth time. Each time I asked him the question the conversation always followed the same pattern.

Chinese Chap: ‘My lame is Yaki’.

Me: Oh, Yaki. Nice name, what does it mean?’

Chinese Chap: ‘I no say, Yaki’ he said, exasperated. ‘Yaki, Yaki, like Yaki Jan.’

Me: ‘Oh, you mean Jackie as in Jackie Chan?’ I asked as if I didn’t know already.

Chinese Chap: ‘Yes!’

There was a brief moment of silence before I decided to look for trouble again.

Me: ‘Hey Jackie, who is the President of China?’

Jackie: ‘Yes, Hu.’

Me: ‘I asked you a question and you’re asking me again.’ I said pretending to be very cross.

Jackie: 'I no ask kweshon. I say Hu is plesident of China.'

Me: You see, that was the same question I asked you and you’re asking me back. I said who is the Chinese President?

Jackie: ‘I say yes, Hu is the Plesident of the pipru lepubric of China. ‘Jackie replied looking very confused.

I was really enjoying this moment

Me: ‘I take it that you don’t know who is the Chinese President.’ I said.

Jackie: ‘I know and I terr you. The name of the Plesident of China is Hu, Hu Jintao.’

I definitely knew the name of the Chinese President was Hu Jintao, I was only
having fun.

My order came before I could come up with another prank and Jackie was relieved to
see my back side.

I will be back there to terrorize them some more. They cannot chase me away because they know I rike Chinese food even if they don’t rike me.

Kataka Burst For Field

YAY! Sorry for sounding so excited, the last thing I saw before I started writing was Chari's comment on my blog, almost a week after the post. Chari dey vex for me seriously but I don go apologise to am. As im don comment for ma blog na im be say e no vex again. The price Chari asked was that I should produce Afrobabe (like say na fo ma domot Afrobabe dey).

By the way, did you guys read Charizard’s beautiful dedication to Ajike , who is leaving blogville? So emotional. He said something about time of the month and it got me wondering if Charizard is male or female.

Yeah, that reminds me, 30+, maybe it’s my computer but I always find it difficult to post a comment on your blog. I’ve wanted to drop a line since but been finding it difficult. No be say a fashy una.

Enough digression. I went to play football over the weekend. That would be the first time I would really play football in over ten years. I just wanted to check if the skills were still present. Anyway, skills don’t go away it’s the stamina that’s usually the problem. After playing for the first five minutes I was already breathing helehele. No, not that I’m not fit I actually do a lot of exercises, especially push-ups. It was the running around the pitch that tired me out.

Anyway, I quickly adjusted and before long I was doing my usual stuff. It was a pity Abramovich was not there he would have been talking to my agent by now. Then this eight year old boy joined us to play. Yes O, eight, eejo. I won’t tell you my age but if I was Jamaican I probably would have a grandchild of that age by now. This small boy was playing for the other team and there was a time he had the ball and had to get past me. I thought I would easily dispossess him of the ball but before I could even make any serious move this boy took my toros (passed the ball between my legs) and went around me to collect the ball then went on to score. I was the last person to beat.

Pupil laff so tey water dey comot fo dem eyes.

We continued playing and this small boy wanted to try that nonsense again but this time around I remembered what kochito told me several years ago, ‘if you miss the ball make sure you don’t miss the leg’. Na so I clear this small boy fo ground, gbosa di boy land fo ground and begin dey cry. Me a send pesin? I wan begin dey play but everybody fo field tok se a be agbaya.

Before long the boy’s father appeared and was ready to fight. Thank God some people who liked me held him or else I would be writing this post from my hospital bed. The boy’s father resemble incredible Hulk no be small.

Anyway, that was how we stopped playing on that day and I noticed most of the people I was playing with gathered together to have a short meeting. At the end of the meeting they decided that I mustn’t come to play there again because I lacked team Spirit. Team spirit ko, team ghost ni. How small boy laik dat go dey comot ma toros anyhow? Maybe it was a good thing they banned me from playing sha, my whole body is still aching. Playing football is not like doing push-ups, if you know what I mean.

Any doctor in the house? Bumight?

My Arse Got Tagged - Again

Na wah o! I’m just being tagged left right and centre. First it was freeflowingflorida. I always look for an opportunity to mention that name. I could go on and on, freeflowingflorida, freeflowingflorida, freeflowingflo…. Erm… sorry I got carried away. Don’t worry, FFF, one day I’ll dedicate a whole post to you.
Then theicequeen, yeah, that very fine girl all the way in poracot tagged my arse. Wish it was something else she did with my arse.
As if that was not enough, my very own personal paddy and fellow Chelsea fan, wellsbaba also tagged me.
When I thought it was all over standtall sent Chari bobo to tell me that she’s tagged me! Don’t you find that funny? Na my guy Chari dem dey send message. Chari, wetin standtall promise una after delivering the message?
Well, as everybody don tag me finish na only one meme I go do o!
Erm….Caution, me I be old school so people like Charizard, theicequeen and Naijababe may not recognize some of the songs on my music list as they were released before you guys were born. LOL!

Put your i-tunes/music player/Nokia N95 on shuffle

For each question press the ‘next’ button to get your answer

You must write the name of the song down no matter what!!!

After you’ve answered all the questions tag 5 other people and let them they’ve been tagged and to do the meme themselves.

If someone says ‘is this okay?’ You say:
‘Shut up’ – Black Eyed peas
‘I don’t want to cheat or else I would have waited for the next song. Haba I’m not that rude…at least not always.

What would best describe your personality?
‘As' – Stevie Wonder
Hmmm….As, as you want me to be. I’ll be anything you want me to be, theicequeen.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
‘Put your head on my shoulder’ – Michael Buble
I hope you know that only applies to a girl.

How do you feel today?
Nikita- Elton John
God forbid. Na who be Nikita? If she fine sha, I fit feel am.

What is your life’s purpose?
‘Do I do’ – Stevie Wonder
I just wanna do what I wanna do. Do you have any problems with that?

What do your friends think of you?
‘Scream’ – Timbaland
Yeah, the babes always scream in delight when they see me.

What do you think of your parents?
‘Blue Eyes’ – Elton John
Blue kini? None of my parents has blue eyes O! Oh I know, I used to be black and blue back in those days after my father finished dealing with me.

What do you think about very often?
Bump, bump, bump – b2K feat. P.Diddy
Yeppa! This my ipod na babawere O! OMG! Am I allowed to cheat? Okay let me take that question again. On second thoughts…

What is 2+2?
‘Gangsta loving’ – Eve feat. Alicia Keys
I’m still trying to figure out where that came from.

What do you think of your best friend?
Candle in the wind – Elton John
Awwww…., sob, sob, sniff, sniff. I must tell him this.

What do you think of the person you like?
Drop it like it’s hot – Snoop Dog feat. Pharell Williams
Hmmm…. I wonder which one of you guys on blogville that song is talking about? LOL

What is your life story?
Happy New year – Nat King Cole
Well, I was wishing someone happy New year sometime in July. It was my first time of seeing the person this year. I guess that shows the type of person I am.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Don’t be cruel – Bobby Brown
Correct one! I don’t want to be cruel when I grow up

What do you think when you see the person you like?
‘It’s getting hot in here’ – Nelly
Nice one, another correct one. I’m beginning to like this meme thing.

What do your parents think of you?
‘You haven’t done nothing’ – Stevie Wonder
As if that’s not what they all think of us all? Abi I lie?

What will you dance to at your wedding?
‘So sick of you’ Ne-Yo
Already? Lol


What will they play at your funeral?
‘Something about the way you look tonight’ Elton John
Yeah, after am all dressed up in my nice tuxedo lying peacefully in a gold casket.

What is your hobby/Interest?
Riding – Chamillionaire
Well, urm… I like cycling sha.

What is your biggest secret?
Falling- Alicia Keys
Whatever, I’m not even giving you a clue.

What do you think of your best friends?
‘Shake it fast’ – Mystikal
Yeah, shake that thing fast, baby.

What should you post this as?
‘Have I told you lately that I love you?’ Steve Brookstein
The blogger in question knows herself.

Phew! That wasn’t so hard or was it?

Now its my turn to tag the following people, sasuke, vera, jaybabe, shonavixen and naijagoodgirl.