Sunday, 27 July 2008

Morgan's Mistake

When I decided to start blogging, like most African leaders I had very lofty dreams of doing something positive to create a radical change. I wanted to be a political blogger and use my blog to prick the conscience of our leaders to cause a positive political change in Nigeria and Africa. Alas, what happened? I did a couple of posts on my blogsville brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, people like them and I got carried away. I abandoned my original mission. Then I heard a voice from heaven. Okay, maybe it wasn’t from heaven and this was what the voice said,

“Naijaleta, you have been distracted by all those fine, fine gals in blogsville and forgotten your original mission. You must return to your original duties of political blogging.”

And I said, “yessir, but what will I write about? I have forgotten how to write political blogs.”

The voice said, “I will show you.”

Then I switched on my T.V, okay it wasn’t mine I was watching T.V at my cousin’s place and I saw the most despicable thing, Morgan Tsvangirai, leader of Zimbabwe’s Movement for Democratic Change, shaking hands with Robert Mugabe!

Okay, before you all start saying,

“haba Naijaleta! They are finally drawing up a power-sharing deal and you’re complaining”, shut or minimize you browser, then shut your eyes for a minute and imagine yourself in the position of a young widow whose husband has just been brutally murdered by suspected Zanu-PF supporters because of his membership of the MDC, leaving you with five children and his aged mother to take care of. Now tell me that you will be happy seeing the man, whose party your husband was supporting shaking hands with the man whose thugs murdered your husband while his body is still very fresh in the make-shift, unmarked grave it was thrown into. Or worse still, while his body is still in the morgue because you’re still sorting out the funeral expenses. To make matters worse, both of them were wearing very expensive suits bought with enough money to feed your family for a whole year.

I will not bore you with details of the power-sharing agreement but I can bet you that for the average Zimbabwean, nothing changes because the man who offered them a glimmer of hope has already sold out on them. Oh, things will change for Morgan and his silly buddies quite all right but not for the average man in Zimbabwe.

What people like Morgan Tsvangirai do not realise is that Mugabe has a lot of money and can afford to retain the best Public Relations companies in the world. The hand-shake in the presence of the whole world was nothing but a Public Relations coup. Yet another political success for Mugabe and a humiliating defeat for Tsvangirai, who should have insisted to Thabo Mbeki and the other organisers of the meeting that he would attend the talks but would not sit beside Mugabe or shake hands with him in order not to insult the memory of the hundreds or so MDC supporters who died in the hands of suspected ZANU-PF thugs. That is how a true leader distinguishes himself from a greedy politician.

Unfortunately, he’s sold out, he’s probably going to get a senior ministerial role, a budgetary allocation, all the usual perks of a government job and it becomes business as usual again for the Mugabe government.

The people of Zimbabwe will continue to wallow in poverty and the statement that politicians cannot be trusted will once again prove to be correct.

What a shame!

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Chinese Take Away

Those of you who called me agbaya because of what happened on the field last week I know you all and I’m going to reveal your real identities, walahi!

Charis, I saw those pictures you took, thank you very much. What I expected you to do was send me the pictures not that you should be playing inside the flood and snapping pictures of yourself playing inside water like a small boy. Iyen ni won ba e so abi ko kopret.

Talking about Chinese people, I understand that they have completely taken over Naija with their doll eyes.

How many of you remember those Chinese films? I’m sure Shubby-Doo watched several.
You remember those Chinese Kung-Fu students with their baggy black trousers, white T-shirts, black shoes and white socks. There was a time I thought all Chinese people dressed like that and were all good at Martial Arts. Much to my relief I discovered that not all Chinese people dressed like that. To my greater relief I discovered that not all Chinese people were good in Martial Arts or else I wouldn’t have had so much fun at my local Chinese take-away shop recently.

I walked into my local Chinese take-away shop the other day and I asked for my favourite dish.

ME:Herro, I want kin plon fly lac.’ I said in my Chinese accent with a sheepish grin on my face.

Chinese lady in shop: What?

I repeated what I said earlier.

Chinese lady in shop: 'Oh, you mean King Plawn Flied Lice?'

Me: ‘Yes, Dat’s what I said earlier.’ I said as I pointed to the item on the menu. It was number 75 and it read, ‘King Prawn Fried Rice’.

Chinese lady in Shop:You brak man I no rike you. You tink you can spekee Ingrish?’

Me: Eh, what has Barack Obama got to do with these?’ I said, pretending to be offended.

Chinese lady in shop: 'I no say, Balack Obama, I say, brak man, I no rike you.'

Me: Oh, you mean black man? You don’t like me?’

The Chinese lady kissed her teeth as she walked away with my order.

I was really enjoying myself.

She was immediately replaced at the counter by another Chinese Chap.

Me: ‘Eh, my friend, what’s your name?’ I asked him that question for the umpteenth time. Each time I asked him the question the conversation always followed the same pattern.

Chinese Chap: ‘My lame is Yaki’.

Me: Oh, Yaki. Nice name, what does it mean?’

Chinese Chap: I no say, Yaki’ he said, exasperated. ‘Yaki, Yaki, like Yaki Jan.’

Me: ‘Oh, you mean Jackie as in Jackie Chan?’ I asked as if I didn’t know already.

Chinese Chap: ‘Yes!’

There was a brief moment of silence before I decided to look for trouble again.

Me: ‘Hey Jackie, who is the President of China?’

Jackie: ‘Yes, Hu.’

Me: ‘I asked you a question and you’re asking me again.’ I said pretending to be very cross.

Jackie: 'I no ask kweshon. I say Hu is plesident of China.'

Me: You see, that was the same question I asked you and you’re asking me back. I said who is the Chinese President?

Jackie: ‘I say yes, Hu is the Plesident of the pipru lepubric of China. ‘Jackie replied looking very confused.

I was really enjoying this moment

Me: ‘I take it that you don’t know who is the Chinese President.’ I said.

Jackie: ‘I know and I terr you. The name of the Plesident of China is Hu, Hu Jintao.’

I definitely knew the name of the Chinese President was Hu Jintao, I was only
having fun.

My order came before I could come up with another prank and Jackie was relieved to
see my back side.

I will be back there to terrorize them some more. They cannot chase me away because they know I rike Chinese food even if they don’t rike me.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Kataka Burst For Field

YAY! Sorry for sounding so excited, the last thing I saw before I started writing was Chari's comment on my blog, almost a week after the post. Chari dey vex for me seriously but I don go apologise to am. As im don comment for ma blog na im be say e no vex again. The price Chari asked was that I should produce Afrobabe (like say na fo ma domot Afrobabe dey).

By the way, did you guys read Charizard’s beautiful dedication to Ajike , who is leaving blogville? So emotional. He said something about time of the month and it got me wondering if Charizard is male or female.

Yeah, that reminds me, 30+, maybe it’s my computer but I always find it difficult to post a comment on your blog. I’ve wanted to drop a line since but been finding it difficult. No be say a fashy una.

Enough digression. I went to play football over the weekend. That would be the first time I would really play football in over ten years. I just wanted to check if the skills were still present. Anyway, skills don’t go away it’s the stamina that’s usually the problem. After playing for the first five minutes I was already breathing helehele. No, not that I’m not fit I actually do a lot of exercises, especially push-ups. It was the running around the pitch that tired me out.

Anyway, I quickly adjusted and before long I was doing my usual stuff. It was a pity Abramovich was not there he would have been talking to my agent by now. Then this eight year old boy joined us to play. Yes O, eight, eejo. I won’t tell you my age but if I was Jamaican I probably would have a grandchild of that age by now. This small boy was playing for the other team and there was a time he had the ball and had to get past me. I thought I would easily dispossess him of the ball but before I could even make any serious move this boy took my toros (passed the ball between my legs) and went around me to collect the ball then went on to score. I was the last person to beat.

Pupil laff so tey water dey comot fo dem eyes.

We continued playing and this small boy wanted to try that nonsense again but this time around I remembered what kochito told me several years ago, ‘if you miss the ball make sure you don’t miss the leg’. Na so I clear this small boy fo ground, gbosa di boy land fo ground and begin dey cry. Me a send pesin? I wan begin dey play but everybody fo field tok se a be agbaya.

Before long the boy’s father appeared and was ready to fight. Thank God some people who liked me held him or else I would be writing this post from my hospital bed. The boy’s father resemble incredible Hulk no be small.

Anyway, that was how we stopped playing on that day and I noticed most of the people I was playing with gathered together to have a short meeting. At the end of the meeting they decided that I mustn’t come to play there again because I lacked team Spirit. Team spirit ko, team ghost ni. How small boy laik dat go dey comot ma toros anyhow? Maybe it was a good thing they banned me from playing sha, my whole body is still aching. Playing football is not like doing push-ups, if you know what I mean.

Any doctor in the house? Bumight?

Monday, 7 July 2008

My Arse Got Tagged - Again

Na wah o! I’m just being tagged left right and centre. First it was freeflowingflorida. I always look for an opportunity to mention that name. I could go on and on, freeflowingflorida, freeflowingflorida, freeflowingflo…. Erm… sorry I got carried away. Don’t worry, FFF, one day I’ll dedicate a whole post to you.
Then theicequeen, yeah, that very fine girl all the way in poracot tagged my arse. Wish it was something else she did with my arse.
As if that was not enough, my very own personal paddy and fellow Chelsea fan, wellsbaba also tagged me.
When I thought it was all over standtall sent Chari bobo to tell me that she’s tagged me! Don’t you find that funny? Na my guy Chari dem dey send message. Chari, wetin standtall promise una after delivering the message?
Well, as everybody don tag me finish na only one meme I go do o!
Erm….Caution, me I be old school so people like Charizard, theicequeen and Naijababe may not recognize some of the songs on my music list as they were released before you guys were born. LOL!

Put your i-tunes/music player/Nokia N95 on shuffle

For each question press the ‘next’ button to get your answer

You must write the name of the song down no matter what!!!

After you’ve answered all the questions tag 5 other people and let them they’ve been tagged and to do the meme themselves.

If someone says ‘is this okay?’ You say:
Shut up’ – Black Eyed peas
I don’t want to cheat or else I would have waited for the next song. Haba I’m not that rude…at least not always.

What would best describe your personality?
‘As' – Stevie Wonder
Hmmm….As, as you want me to be. I’ll be anything you want me to be, theicequeen.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
‘Put your head on my shoulder’ – Michael Buble
I hope you know that only applies to a girl.

How do you feel today?
Nikita- Elton John
God forbid. Na who be Nikita? If she fine sha, I fit feel am.

What is your life’s purpose?
‘Do I do’ – Stevie Wonder
I just wanna do what I wanna do. Do you have any problems with that?

What do your friends think of you?
‘Scream’ – Timbaland
Yeah, the babes always scream in delight when they see me.

What do you think of your parents?
‘Blue Eyes’ – Elton John
Blue kini? None of my parents has blue eyes O! Oh I know, I used to be black and blue back in those days after my father finished dealing with me.

What do you think about very often?
Bump, bump, bump – b2K feat. P.Diddy
Yeppa! This my ipod na babawere O! OMG! Am I allowed to cheat? Okay let me take that question again. On second thoughts…

What is 2+2?
‘Gangsta loving’ – Eve feat. Alicia Keys
I’m still trying to figure out where that came from.

What do you think of your best friend?
Candle in the wind – Elton John
Awwww…., sob, sob, sniff, sniff. I must tell him this.

What do you think of the person you like?
Drop it like it’s hot – Snoop Dog feat. Pharell Williams
Hmmm…. I wonder which one of you guys on blogville that song is talking about? LOL

What is your life story?
Happy New year – Nat King Cole
Well, I was wishing someone happy New year sometime in July. It was my first time of seeing the person this year. I guess that shows the type of person I am.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Don’t be cruel – Bobby Brown
Correct one! I don’t want to be cruel when I grow up

What do you think when you see the person you like?
‘It’s getting hot in here’ – Nelly
Nice one, another correct one. I’m beginning to like this meme thing.

What do your parents think of you?
‘You haven’t done nothing’ – Stevie Wonder
As if that’s not what they all think of us all? Abi I lie?

What will you dance to at your wedding?
‘So sick of you’ Ne-Yo
Already? Lol

What will they play at your funeral?
‘Something about the way you look tonight’ Elton John
Yeah, after am all dressed up in my nice tuxedo lying peacefully in a gold casket.

What is your hobby/Interest?
Riding – Chamillionaire
Well, urm… I like cycling sha.

What is your biggest secret?
Falling- Alicia Keys
Whatever, I’m not even giving you a clue.

What do you think of your best friends?
‘Shake it fast’ – Mystikal
Yeah, shake that thing fast, baby.

What should you post this as?
‘Have I told you lately that I love you?’ Steve Brookstein
The blogger in question knows herself.

Phew! That wasn’t so hard or was it?

Now its my turn to tag the following people, sasuke, vera, jaybabe, shonavixen and naijagoodgirl.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Niaja Bloggers - Final Series

I hope you guys will not be disappointed by my decision to bring my description of Nigerian bloggers to an end. Believe me it was nothing but a wicked diversion. Walahi, I just got carried away when I started seeing beautiful images in my dreams and a voice told me that the images belonged to bloggers. I wanna go back to my original mission of blogging about Nigeria as a whole, Nigerian people and Nigerian culture.

Before I bring the series to a close sha, I need to describe someone bold and err…. Beautiful?

Vera, I like your boldness. You were one of the first persons I wanted to describe but anytime I shut my eyes, like you did in your photo, to visualise you I see the picture of an angel. Is that you? There’s something about you sha that reminds me of Iman, the Somalian model, but not as tall.

Until you confirm whether that angel is you or not I have composed a poem for you:

Dear bloggers,

My name is
Vera, not just an afrobabe, but a proper Naijababe
these are no ordinary naijalines, cos everyonelovesanaijababe.

I’m not a
nigeriandramaqueen, but thequeenofmycastle, theicequeen.
give me an
aphrodite and I could be a real femmefatale
especially when I’m out on a spin like Solomonsydelle!

anytime my
charizard’s on fire I’ll ask for a Shirak!

that is my naijaleta to you all.

Na you sabi! I say I dey write poem for Vera baby, you dey tell me say e no rhyme. Rhyme ko, nursery ni.

Mommy! You subtracted a whole percentage point from me because I said you were a size sixteen. You said you fluctuate between a fourteen and a sixteen. Yeah right!
I will expose your asiri to everybody on blogville. You see, when mommy goes to buy clothes, she goes to the fourteen section first and struggles to get into a fourteen but every fiber in her body is shouting sixteen, sixteen. Even the sales assistants have to remind her that she’s a sixteen. You deducted another point because I said you had short hair. What’s your idea of long hair? You see, my ex, not the immediate one, but my ex, ex, ex…anyway, never mind. Her hair was so long she used to trip on it when walking unless she tied it up. If I lie make I baff naked. So mommy, if your hair is not that long then to me it is short.

Bumight, speak now or forever remain quiet! On second thoughts, please don’t speak you just might go and mention the right person.

Now everybody is threatening me with those Brixton boys, even theicequeen all the way from Poracot! Me I no fear anybody joo!

A beg make una follow me beg Charizard make e no commot for blogville O.

Reminds me of Afrobabe’s comment on Charizard’s age. The ogbologbo of blogville, the one and only afrobabe, suspects Charizard couldn’t be older than 21. How she take sabi? Ogbologbo knows about men inside out. Just the way I know about women.