Friday, 28 November 2008

Long Time No Write

I’m just going to pretend as if everything is normal. As if I posted yesterday. Anyway, for Bumight, Vera, Isha, my sweetheart and my other fans this is just to tell you that I’m fine. The credit crunch has not led me to commit suicide (or maybe I have and I just hired a ghost writer to continue writing my blog). That’s the problem with blogging anon you don’t know who is who. I understand that Afrobabe has vanished into thin air just like that. Na wah O! Or maybe she’s just opened another blog. We kuku don’t know who she really is. Thank God for the Internet.

A lot has happened since the last time I was here O! I’m sure you must have figured out the two bloggers I was referring to in my last post who wouldn’t be blogging for a long time if at all you’ll ever hear from them again. Seriously, I need to write a post one of these days acknowledging the good work consistent bloggers are doing on blogville. I won’t mention names now but there are some consistent bloggers and they deserve my commendation. Yes, Vera, you’re one of them.

Like I was saying a lot has happened since the last time I was here. Have you heard that Barack Obama won the last US Presidential elections? Lol. Yes O, our boy Barack won.

I wanted to put up a post just before the elections explaining to people why Obama and not John McCain deserved to win the election. No, it’s not because it’s the turn of a black person to rule. If that’s the case then the US should be ruled by Native American Indians.

Obama was preaching a message of hope and unity while John McCain was instigating division and relying on scare mongering to gather votes. For me that was the deal breaker for the Democrats.

There are other reasons why the Democrats won but I won’t go into that just yet. When would this post end if I started going on about Sarah Palin?

I understand that Baba, Aremu of Sango-Otta wrote a very beautiful piece on Obama’s victory. In his article, he accused his former friend, Dubya, of spending eight years in office engaging in a senseless war and driving the economy into ruins. Na wah O! How time flies. Was it not the same Aremu who almost set up an annexe of Aso Rock in Washington DC considering the amount of times he travelled to the USA to see Bush?

You should have seen the way Gordon Brown and that mumu fine boy, David Cameron, were using Obama’s victory to score cheap points off each other. The truth is that deep inside them, those Oyinbos are afraid that what has happened in the USA may repeat itself in the United Kingdom. They are all afraid of the day a black man would become Prime Minister of Britain.

Forget about Britain for now. I would like to ask the question I asked in an earlier post again and the question is, ‘where is Nigeria’s Obama?’

Thursday, 16 October 2008

Something About Me

I don’t believe it’s been almost a month I last updated!

It’s not bloggers block I’ve just been really busy.

Anyway, I’ve decided to write something about myself.

Before I proceed I just want to tell you that I know a blogger friend, maybe two actually, who will not be updating for a very long time maybe even never again. I will not reveal their identities. I will leave that that to the bloggers in question.

I discovered that there are certain things about me, which I considered normal but other people think are really strange. So I decided to compile a list of thirteen of such things:

I prefer Winter to Summer because of the longer nights during winter

I don’t condone crime but I admire the Mafia

I have a fascination for cemeteries and other things morbid, undertakers, caskets, hearses and funeral parlours

I think aloud a lot

I love being alone, all by myself

I’d love to be an international spy

I’m in my thirties and not married because I believe that the earlier you got married the longer you will be married for

I’m a strong supporter of the Death Penalty clause

I used to have a crush on Lisa Bonnet when she was acting in ‘the Cosby Show’. Maybe I still do

I love reading about the likes of Rudolph Hess, Henrich Himmler, Herman Goring, Joseph Goebbells and other Defendants at the Nuremberg trials

I can be very funny unintentionally

I have three different Facebook accounts and none in any of the names that appear on my birth certificate

I’d like to name my first son ‘Bart’, after ‘Bart Simpson’.

Pray tell me, which one of the items on my list do you consider strange?

Friday, 19 September 2008

Strange Events

Okay, it has taken me an eternity to update. Even me I know. I’m beginning to join the ranks of Sasuke, Aloofar, Mz. Dee and fineboy Agbero. Just to mention a few.
Yepa! A don die finish.

Make a no pass fo Ojuelegba again, or else fineboy Agbero go tell im boys make dem deal wit me. A must also cancel dat trip to Porakot. A sure say Mz. Dee sabi plenty militant boys wey go kidnap me laik say a be oil company expatriate.

As for that Aloofar a sure say na one ajebota (softie) I will deal with him personally. Apart from that, I have a score to settle with Aloofar, over Vera.

Unless Sasuke has updadted recently or he updates in the next Twenty-four hours, I think Aunty SSD, headmistress, should organise a search party to go look for am O! I hia say dem dey find pesin do sacrifice make Megida do flenti, flenti bafday for this world.

Strange things have been happening to me lately.

Okay, I got home one day last week and I was feeling really hungry so I grabbed a cereal bowl, equivalent of garri bowl in Nigeria, grabbed a packet of weetabix, which I poured into the bowl and added milk. I enjoyed the meal so much I went for a second helping, which I also enjoyed. I wanted to go for round three. (No, not that kind of round. Remember I was talking about weetabix, your dirty mind.) Anyway, as I was about to return the packet of weetabix my eyes caught something on the packet that made me freeze with fear! The weetabix I had just taken had expired since February 2008!!! WTF??? No wonder it had a funny taste, which I though was a new flavour that the manufacturers had just added.


Walahi, Bumight, if I die my ghost will haunt you unless you take care of Vera for me. Then I won’t haunt you.

Something else happened to me, which I considered really strange.

I had a mobile phone (you call it cell phone in the US) last year and I downloaded this song as my ringtone, ‘Nasty girl’ by, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Sean Combs, Sean "Puffy" Combs (I tire for the bobo self) feat. a whole bunch of losers in the Hip Hop world.

One day, last year, I was at my friend’s place, let call him ‘T’, and I heard his phone ring but reached for my phone thinking it was my phone ringing because the ringtone was exactly the same. We made a joke over who was copying who in downloading that particular ringtone.

I have since acquired another phone. (For those of you in Nigeria, the UK government gives out a brand new phone to all UK residents every year).

Anyway, I got another phone, courtesy of the UK government, and my new ringtone is ‘In my heart’ by Moby. Not a very popular song but there’s something about the song that I like.

I was back at my friend, ‘T’s place last Sunday and a phone rang. I reached for my phone thinking it was mine because it was the same ringtone. Alas, it wasn’t my phone ringing it was T’s wife’s phone. She had unknowingly downloaded the same ringtone as mine just like her husband did about a year ago. Spooky, innit?

Have you ever had any strange experience like that before? Let’s hear about it please.

*Just joking about the UK government giving out phones to UK residents every year O! *

Saturday, 6 September 2008

President Yar'adua and Queen Elizabeth II

This is another political blog from me. I went astray before but I’ve come back to my original calling now.

I may go astray again very soon.

I’m sure you guys will be wondering, wetin konsain Megida and Iya Charlie?

Well, it happens that Megida and Iya Charlie get one thing in common.

"What is it?"

"Oya, guess now."

“They are both Heads of States of English speaking countries?”

“Yes, but that is not exactly the only thing they have in common.”

“Erm… they are both leaders of Commonwealth nations.”

“Yes, they both are but that was not what I had in mind.”

“I give up.”

“Oh, so soon? ”

“Yes, Naijaleta. Please tell us what the Queen of England and the King of Aso Rock have in common.

“They both celebrate two birthdays in a single year!”

Otio! I know the Queen was born on the 21st April, which is her real birthday, and her official birthday is also celebrated around the first or second Saturday in June of every year but that’s because she’s the Monarch. Every English Monarch has that priviledge.”

“Well, it appears that the privilege has been accorded to Nigerian Presidents too.”

Recently, state governors in Nigeria blew over NGN35million, that’s around £140,000:00 (One hundred and forty thousand Pounds) to congratulate The President, Alhaji Yar’adua on the occasion of his 57th birthday on 9th July 2008.

The states involved include, Niger, Bayelsa, Imo, Sokoto, Rivers, Plateau, Kwara and Ekiti states. Other states include, Enugu, Katsina, Benue and Edo states.

Even the Senate President, David Mark joined the states to congratulate the President on his birthday.

Some state governors even placed advertisements in their personal capacity as state governors after the ones they placed on behalf of their states.

These are governors of, Kaduna, Bauchi, Kebbi, Ebonyi, Zamfara, Adamawa, Borno, Oyo, Taraba, Akwa-Ibom and Abia states.

Out of the over one hundred full page advertisements placed for the President’s birthday only fifteen were placed by private individuals. The rest were placed at public expense.

I understand that this campaign went on for about a week before a Presidential spokesman came forward to say that the President was actually born on August 16 and not July 9.

Surely, all the state governors who have placed those adverts with public money for July 9th must know something the rest of us do not know. Maybe the Nigerian constitution has now given Nigerian Heads of States the privilege of having two birthdays in a single year.

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Final Report

Fear not or should I say, rejoice not to those of you who do not like me. I am not shutting down my blog. This is just the final report on the “Solomonsydelle Sect”. Like I stated in the original post I didn’t think I mentioned all the bloggers whose names I should have mentioned.

Much respect to all the bloggers who remined me of names that I missed out. My heartfelt appreciation to, the singing blogger, who read the post, did not find her name on it and still dropped a comment. Walahi! I know that majority of you would not even bother once you cannot find your name in the post. She is a new blogger. I think she only started blogging in July. Please, please pay her a visit.

Then Freeflowingflorida, as in Freeflowingflorida, I mean that same Freeflowingflorida. (I just like to mention that name sha. It’s the name I just like O! I don’t know anything about the blogger) She reminded me of Ms. Sula, tin-tin (girl), I swear I didn’t know there was a tin-tin (girl). Is she married to tin-tin onijogbon?

Anyway, moving on. Mz. Dee, dat fine gal from Porakot, reminded me of invisible. I’m sorry Mr. or is it Ms. Invisible but maybe if you were not invisible I would have seen you and remembered.

Shubby-Doo, or is it flying-snow? She reminded me of jaja (of Opobo?) boorish male and baroque. Thank you Shubby-Doo. So when am I having that hug you promise me naa? People say I’m like a child, I never forget anything I’m promised especially if I think I’m going to enjoy the thing.

Oluwadee, Iyawo, mentioned efbabe.

Afrobabe reminded me of fluffycutething. Make she play come ma dormot one day make a see if she dey fluffy and cute nitoto.

Buttercup, Burasweerie, abi how Mz. Dee dey laik to call am? She reminded me of writefreak, woomie O, mekistein, ladykoko, dee and enigma. Meanwhile, a hia one gist laik dis about mekistein… ok, never mind.

Okay, this is my last update on the "Solomonsydelle sect". I’m afraid membership of the sect is finally closed. If your name is not mentioned you’ll have to apply again next year.

I’m sure people will still come up with suggestions but I tell you, these are the ones who are the ijinle of blogsville.

Vera’s wish has finally been granted. Check the comment page for my last post and see what I mean. She is under Aloofar. Isn’t Aloofar a lucky man? I would have thought that Vera was the type of woman who likes being on top of situations.

Afrobabe wants a blogger sideways. Awwwww! Any volunteers? Any, any? Going, going, gone. Omashe O! No volunteers. Okay, I’ll volunteer myself. Naijaleta volunteers himself to be by Afobabe’s side. I like a woman who likes being on top of situations and I hope you’re that kind of babe, Afro?

Okay, let me confess, I didn't make that announcement loud enough for others to hear so that I can keep her for myself.

How about doing a post on wowo bloggers next week? I mean, those blogger wey I no say dem no fine at all at all.

Monday, 18 August 2008

The Solomonsydelle Sect

Did you guys actually think I will simply stop talking about you just like that? Nah! I enjoy talking about you guys a lot and I won’t stop I only took a break. Those of you who have been reading my posts would have noticed how I lurve looking for trouble. Honestly, I’m not the kind of person who will sit down jejeli and trouble will come and meet me. I would actually go and look for trouble. Remember ‘Yaki’ the Chinese guy?

Moving on, I had to struggle a bit with the title. Well, I had to decide between two titles, "Afrobabe Alliance" and "Solomonsydelle Sect". I chose the latter not because I don’t like Afrobabe, as a matter of fact,……Oh, never mind.

Alright, let me start by giving you some statistics about blogging. There are tens of millions of blogs and each day about one hundred and twenty thousand new blogs are created. That makes blogging quite a competitive endeavour if you’re looking at it from that point of view. You could have a blog, which nobody visits not because you’ve made it private but simply because there are several millions of other blogs struggling for attention.

If you visit other blogs outside the Nigerian blogging community you will notice that unless the blogger is some guru or spending a lot of money marketing his blog, on an average, each post would get just about 2-3 or at most 5 or 6 comments. I’m sure you will agree with me that is not the case within the Nigerian blogging community. A single post for regular bloggers gets an average of twenty to thirty comments. You even have bloggers commenting twice or even thrice on the same post. In some cases you have two bloggers running a conversation on another person’s blog or even having a three way conversation with themselves and the owner of the blog. That is because we see ourselves as belonging to a community.

Then you have Afrobabe, whose single post commands not fewer than eighty comments, over a hundred comments sometimes depending on, interesting the post is or how, erm... stimulating the picture is. Wonder where she gets those pictures from.

Okay, this post is not about Afrobabe alone. It’s about all of you and the spirit of community that exists between all of us. I respect and sometimes get emotional over the fact that we all belong to a cyber community, look out for one another and behave as if we are all members of the same family.

Having said that, I’m aware of the fact that there are hundreds of other Nigerian bloggers who don’t belong to this particular community I’m talking about. I don’t know if you have all realised but there’s a particular community that bloggers whose names I’ve mentioned below belong to.

The reason I chose this title is because we all appear to pay obeisance in one way or the other to Solomonsydelle, the headmistress of blogsville. The reason I wanted to choose the other title was because we all have this habit of commenting on Afrobabe’s blog. I still don’t know why I chose to dedicate the post to Solomonsydelle and not Afrobabe. I’m sure Afrobabe knows how much I love her.

To the following bloggers in the Naija blogging community who belong to the group I call the "Solomonsydelle-Sect", I troway salute, and keep up the good work:

To Afrobabe, Aphrodite, Aloted and Bumight. Okay, brief pause, I’m trying to do this alphabetically but it may not work so don’t worry. Let’s just continue, anigeriandramaqueen, Jarrai, all the way from Gambia (Okay, I know she lives in London but she’s part of this lovely community). There’s Shubby doo aka flying-Snow, the Chinese lady who still owes me a hug, Esmeralda, buttercup and Charizard, ma mehn. How could I forget my fellow Chelsea fan, Wellsbaba or Tin-Tin onijogbon? The list goes on, six gbosas for Sasuke, badderchic, ms. O, femme fatale, ibiluv and fineboyagbero, whose English sounds a lot more polished than that of any agbero. Then you have, ejura, vera, aloofar, archiwiz and Isha my sweetheart. Notice that I put vera and aloofar together.

Did you guys actually think I was gonna forget to mention Oluwadee and freeflowingforida? Wow, this list is gonna be a long one O, we still have undacovasista, naijalines, naijababe, everyonelovesanaijababe, naijaidol, naijavixen, lighty ‘neferet’ kopearl, 30+, mommy, tairebabs, femi b and anonymousgirl.

Please help me! This guys will kill me if I don’t mention their names, Jaguda, tobena, ablackjamesbond, kay-Shawn, Rodney, ynot, the explorer and Waffarian.

Then you have the Porakot beauties, Mz. Dee and theicequeen. Those two deserve a whole paragraph and that’s why I have given them one.

Moving on, felicitations to goodnaijagirl, standtall, Iwalewa Mcdaniels, rita esuru okoroafor, naija sutra and musco. Then there’s Carlang, Zena, Jayjazzy, Jaycee, naapali, notperfectdotcom, unwritten and sting who is being suspected to be my blog crush.

I’m gradually getting to an end. Wow, this is really tedious. Na who send me message?

On the list we still have, lg, Omosewa, uzezi, princesa, nine, rayo, doja, qmoney, parakeet and Shona vixen, our beautiful Zimbabwean sister. Jaybabe from Botswana has stopped blogging, unfortunately.

Another person who deserves a whole paragraph is queenofmycastle, who is just a personification of the word, ‘beauty’.

If there’s any blogger, whose name I have not mentioned it’s due to lack of space, as in, memory space in my head for the name. No, no, just joking. Anyway, if you feel I’ve left any name out of the "Solomonsydelle-Sect" please let me know and if I have included any name that you think I shouldn’t have included please tell me, with reasons why you think I shouldn’t have include the name.

Monday, 11 August 2008

My Blogs, Warts and All

My blog posts are largely unedited. I don’t write a post and give it to someone to cast a ‘fresh eye’ on it. This is what I think, when you ask people to proof-read your posts before you publish they don’t only spot the mistakes they also want to express their opinions on what you have written and more often than not they sway yours and the post is no longer original. Probably better written but the originality is lost. My blog is my personal diary, though published for the whole world to see but it’s still my personal thing. It’s not a corporate or some other organisation’s blog, It’s moi. I want readers to connect with me on a personal level. I would like to meet a regular reader of my blog for the first time and make him feel he had known me since the day he started reading my blog. That is why I publish my posts, warts and all. It’s better to have a wysiwyg reputation. (What you see is what you get).
Unlike other types of publications I think the most authentic blogs should be the ones in their raw state.
Mind you, I don’t have the same opinion about other publications. A novel, be it fiction or fact, has to be properly edited before it is published because it’s not really about the writer. It’s more about the characters, storyline, plot and stuff. I think it actually bothers on criminal negligence to publish a textbook containing errors that could easily have been verified. (Lord help us if that was a medical text-book) abi Bumight? I must sha mention her name in my post. Lol.
Almost the same argument goes for news journals and other regular publications. My blog on the other hand is what it is, my blog. I’d rather be corrected by someone from Australia who leaves a comment on my blog than have a proof-reader correct me always before I publish only to fall far below expectation when I finally meet readers of my blogs in person. My writings have to reflect my personality.
Sometimes an embarrassing criticism from an unknown reader could be more effective than a gentle advice from a proof-reader pal.
Hey, that’s just my opinion you may have a different one. It’s just that I have this habit of being right all the time.
Having said that I go to great lengths to carefully go over what I’ve written a million times to verify my facts, check my spellings and grammatical constructions before I publish. So whatever error you come across in my blog, that’s me.
Maybe that is why I’m writing with a pseudonym so if my blog is considered rubbish I’d simply slip into oblivion and kill the pseudonym for good. Readers of my blog who see me later would never know I was the one and I would be saved a lot of embarrassment.

I’m aware of one thing however, that the most important factor to consider about blogging is to put the readers of the blog first.

Saturday, 2 August 2008

Had Internet Problems Too

None of you would believe that I had problems with my Internet connection as well. I just chose to keep quiet about it. I’m the sort of person who faces the solution instead of the problem, if you know what I mean. I’m glad to tell you it’s all over now.

This is how it started: Those of you who have been to my facebook page before would notice that my answer to the question, ‘favourite TV shows’, was, ‘some idiot cut my sky cable’. Well, that’s very true. Came back from work one day and discovered that my Sky cable had been severed.

By the way, ‘Sky’ is the name of the most popular satellite TV service provider in the UK.

Under normal circumstances I should have simply called Sky to come and fix it but I couldn’t due to two reasons.
Before telling you what the reasons were let me say at this point that the Sky account, which included the TV and Internet connection belonged to my flatmate.

The first reason was because that was the second time that would be happening in less than four months. The first time it happened, Sky sent an engineer to come and fix the cable for free because my flat-mate threatened that she was going to leave the company and join another company. This time around she called Sky again and used the same line but they just told her to go to hell. (No, just joking, that’s bad publicity for Sky.) They explained to her, as professionally as they could, that they couldn’t possibly be sending their engineers out to fix her cable every other month. The second reason was because she was moving out of the flat because she was getting married so she didn’t think it made any sense to spend money fixing a cable in an apartment she was moving out of.

So, there was no television to watch but since the Internet connection was separate from the TV I had to turn onto the Internet and that was okay until my flatmate moved out and had to disconnect the Internet as well. Due to the fact that my flatmate had moved out I had to move out as well and look for another place to stay. What that meant was that I couldn’t fix the TV and Internet until I got another place.

I had to rely on a Mobile broadband service with the use of a small device called a dongle for several weeks. Wonderful piece of technology, smaller and lighter than most mobile phones. You don’t need to upload any software onto your computer, just plug and play. Those of you in the UK should know what I’m talking about; almost every mobile phone company here has a mobile broadband service. I mean no disrespect but bifor dat kain thing go land Naija Jesus Christ go don kom bak. My friend dey try video-call me from Naija last week, who sai?

Now the problem with mobile broadband is the connection speed, it’s slow. Forget about watching YouTube, you’ll only frustrate yourself. Commenting on other people’s blog was a bit of a challenge too. Some of you would have noticed that I may not have been commenting on your blogs. It’s nothing personal it was my Internet connection.

The dongle was my life saver anyway. Oh, and you guys too on blogsville. Without you guys and the dongle, I would have gone mad. Imagine coming back from work at around 5p.m to an empty flat with no TV, no Internet connection. I don’t drink and don’t have too many friends so going to the pub or hanging out with friends were not viable options.
Thank God for Dongle baby, which enabled me to blog, if I couldn’t do anything else. I was at least able to blog and interact with all of you and that kept me sane.

I have moved into a new flat now and have installed my broadband connection, which is fffffffffasst! Now I can watch video and every other thing I want to do on the Internet.
In appreciation of you guys (especially my blog crush) and my dongle, I dedicate, ‘That’s what friends are for’ by Dionne Warwick. Enjoy!

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Morgan's Mistake

When I decided to start blogging, like most African leaders I had very lofty dreams of doing something positive to create a radical change. I wanted to be a political blogger and use my blog to prick the conscience of our leaders to cause a positive political change in Nigeria and Africa. Alas, what happened? I did a couple of posts on my blogsville brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, people like them and I got carried away. I abandoned my original mission. Then I heard a voice from heaven. Okay, maybe it wasn’t from heaven and this was what the voice said,

“Naijaleta, you have been distracted by all those fine, fine gals in blogsville and forgotten your original mission. You must return to your original duties of political blogging.”

And I said, “yessir, but what will I write about? I have forgotten how to write political blogs.”

The voice said, “I will show you.”

Then I switched on my T.V, okay it wasn’t mine I was watching T.V at my cousin’s place and I saw the most despicable thing, Morgan Tsvangirai, leader of Zimbabwe’s Movement for Democratic Change, shaking hands with Robert Mugabe!

Okay, before you all start saying,

“haba Naijaleta! They are finally drawing up a power-sharing deal and you’re complaining”, shut or minimize you browser, then shut your eyes for a minute and imagine yourself in the position of a young widow whose husband has just been brutally murdered by suspected Zanu-PF supporters because of his membership of the MDC, leaving you with five children and his aged mother to take care of. Now tell me that you will be happy seeing the man, whose party your husband was supporting shaking hands with the man whose thugs murdered your husband while his body is still very fresh in the make-shift, unmarked grave it was thrown into. Or worse still, while his body is still in the morgue because you’re still sorting out the funeral expenses. To make matters worse, both of them were wearing very expensive suits bought with enough money to feed your family for a whole year.

I will not bore you with details of the power-sharing agreement but I can bet you that for the average Zimbabwean, nothing changes because the man who offered them a glimmer of hope has already sold out on them. Oh, things will change for Morgan and his silly buddies quite all right but not for the average man in Zimbabwe.

What people like Morgan Tsvangirai do not realise is that Mugabe has a lot of money and can afford to retain the best Public Relations companies in the world. The hand-shake in the presence of the whole world was nothing but a Public Relations coup. Yet another political success for Mugabe and a humiliating defeat for Tsvangirai, who should have insisted to Thabo Mbeki and the other organisers of the meeting that he would attend the talks but would not sit beside Mugabe or shake hands with him in order not to insult the memory of the hundreds or so MDC supporters who died in the hands of suspected ZANU-PF thugs. That is how a true leader distinguishes himself from a greedy politician.

Unfortunately, he’s sold out, he’s probably going to get a senior ministerial role, a budgetary allocation, all the usual perks of a government job and it becomes business as usual again for the Mugabe government.

The people of Zimbabwe will continue to wallow in poverty and the statement that politicians cannot be trusted will once again prove to be correct.

What a shame!

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Chinese Take Away

Those of you who called me agbaya because of what happened on the field last week I know you all and I’m going to reveal your real identities, walahi!

Charis, I saw those pictures you took, thank you very much. What I expected you to do was send me the pictures not that you should be playing inside the flood and snapping pictures of yourself playing inside water like a small boy. Iyen ni won ba e so abi ko kopret.

Talking about Chinese people, I understand that they have completely taken over Naija with their doll eyes.

How many of you remember those Chinese films? I’m sure Shubby-Doo watched several.
You remember those Chinese Kung-Fu students with their baggy black trousers, white T-shirts, black shoes and white socks. There was a time I thought all Chinese people dressed like that and were all good at Martial Arts. Much to my relief I discovered that not all Chinese people dressed like that. To my greater relief I discovered that not all Chinese people were good in Martial Arts or else I wouldn’t have had so much fun at my local Chinese take-away shop recently.

I walked into my local Chinese take-away shop the other day and I asked for my favourite dish.

ME:Herro, I want kin plon fly lac.’ I said in my Chinese accent with a sheepish grin on my face.

Chinese lady in shop: What?

I repeated what I said earlier.

Chinese lady in shop: 'Oh, you mean King Plawn Flied Lice?'

Me: ‘Yes, Dat’s what I said earlier.’ I said as I pointed to the item on the menu. It was number 75 and it read, ‘King Prawn Fried Rice’.

Chinese lady in Shop:You brak man I no rike you. You tink you can spekee Ingrish?’

Me: Eh, what has Barack Obama got to do with these?’ I said, pretending to be offended.

Chinese lady in shop: 'I no say, Balack Obama, I say, brak man, I no rike you.'

Me: Oh, you mean black man? You don’t like me?’

The Chinese lady kissed her teeth as she walked away with my order.

I was really enjoying myself.

She was immediately replaced at the counter by another Chinese Chap.

Me: ‘Eh, my friend, what’s your name?’ I asked him that question for the umpteenth time. Each time I asked him the question the conversation always followed the same pattern.

Chinese Chap: ‘My lame is Yaki’.

Me: Oh, Yaki. Nice name, what does it mean?’

Chinese Chap: I no say, Yaki’ he said, exasperated. ‘Yaki, Yaki, like Yaki Jan.’

Me: ‘Oh, you mean Jackie as in Jackie Chan?’ I asked as if I didn’t know already.

Chinese Chap: ‘Yes!’

There was a brief moment of silence before I decided to look for trouble again.

Me: ‘Hey Jackie, who is the President of China?’

Jackie: ‘Yes, Hu.’

Me: ‘I asked you a question and you’re asking me again.’ I said pretending to be very cross.

Jackie: 'I no ask kweshon. I say Hu is plesident of China.'

Me: You see, that was the same question I asked you and you’re asking me back. I said who is the Chinese President?

Jackie: ‘I say yes, Hu is the Plesident of the pipru lepubric of China. ‘Jackie replied looking very confused.

I was really enjoying this moment

Me: ‘I take it that you don’t know who is the Chinese President.’ I said.

Jackie: ‘I know and I terr you. The name of the Plesident of China is Hu, Hu Jintao.’

I definitely knew the name of the Chinese President was Hu Jintao, I was only
having fun.

My order came before I could come up with another prank and Jackie was relieved to
see my back side.

I will be back there to terrorize them some more. They cannot chase me away because they know I rike Chinese food even if they don’t rike me.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Kataka Burst For Field

YAY! Sorry for sounding so excited, the last thing I saw before I started writing was Chari's comment on my blog, almost a week after the post. Chari dey vex for me seriously but I don go apologise to am. As im don comment for ma blog na im be say e no vex again. The price Chari asked was that I should produce Afrobabe (like say na fo ma domot Afrobabe dey).

By the way, did you guys read Charizard’s beautiful dedication to Ajike , who is leaving blogville? So emotional. He said something about time of the month and it got me wondering if Charizard is male or female.

Yeah, that reminds me, 30+, maybe it’s my computer but I always find it difficult to post a comment on your blog. I’ve wanted to drop a line since but been finding it difficult. No be say a fashy una.

Enough digression. I went to play football over the weekend. That would be the first time I would really play football in over ten years. I just wanted to check if the skills were still present. Anyway, skills don’t go away it’s the stamina that’s usually the problem. After playing for the first five minutes I was already breathing helehele. No, not that I’m not fit I actually do a lot of exercises, especially push-ups. It was the running around the pitch that tired me out.

Anyway, I quickly adjusted and before long I was doing my usual stuff. It was a pity Abramovich was not there he would have been talking to my agent by now. Then this eight year old boy joined us to play. Yes O, eight, eejo. I won’t tell you my age but if I was Jamaican I probably would have a grandchild of that age by now. This small boy was playing for the other team and there was a time he had the ball and had to get past me. I thought I would easily dispossess him of the ball but before I could even make any serious move this boy took my toros (passed the ball between my legs) and went around me to collect the ball then went on to score. I was the last person to beat.

Pupil laff so tey water dey comot fo dem eyes.

We continued playing and this small boy wanted to try that nonsense again but this time around I remembered what kochito told me several years ago, ‘if you miss the ball make sure you don’t miss the leg’. Na so I clear this small boy fo ground, gbosa di boy land fo ground and begin dey cry. Me a send pesin? I wan begin dey play but everybody fo field tok se a be agbaya.

Before long the boy’s father appeared and was ready to fight. Thank God some people who liked me held him or else I would be writing this post from my hospital bed. The boy’s father resemble incredible Hulk no be small.

Anyway, that was how we stopped playing on that day and I noticed most of the people I was playing with gathered together to have a short meeting. At the end of the meeting they decided that I mustn’t come to play there again because I lacked team Spirit. Team spirit ko, team ghost ni. How small boy laik dat go dey comot ma toros anyhow? Maybe it was a good thing they banned me from playing sha, my whole body is still aching. Playing football is not like doing push-ups, if you know what I mean.

Any doctor in the house? Bumight?

Monday, 7 July 2008

My Arse Got Tagged - Again

Na wah o! I’m just being tagged left right and centre. First it was freeflowingflorida. I always look for an opportunity to mention that name. I could go on and on, freeflowingflorida, freeflowingflorida, freeflowingflo…. Erm… sorry I got carried away. Don’t worry, FFF, one day I’ll dedicate a whole post to you.
Then theicequeen, yeah, that very fine girl all the way in poracot tagged my arse. Wish it was something else she did with my arse.
As if that was not enough, my very own personal paddy and fellow Chelsea fan, wellsbaba also tagged me.
When I thought it was all over standtall sent Chari bobo to tell me that she’s tagged me! Don’t you find that funny? Na my guy Chari dem dey send message. Chari, wetin standtall promise una after delivering the message?
Well, as everybody don tag me finish na only one meme I go do o!
Erm….Caution, me I be old school so people like Charizard, theicequeen and Naijababe may not recognize some of the songs on my music list as they were released before you guys were born. LOL!

Put your i-tunes/music player/Nokia N95 on shuffle

For each question press the ‘next’ button to get your answer

You must write the name of the song down no matter what!!!

After you’ve answered all the questions tag 5 other people and let them they’ve been tagged and to do the meme themselves.

If someone says ‘is this okay?’ You say:
Shut up’ – Black Eyed peas
I don’t want to cheat or else I would have waited for the next song. Haba I’m not that rude…at least not always.

What would best describe your personality?
‘As' – Stevie Wonder
Hmmm….As, as you want me to be. I’ll be anything you want me to be, theicequeen.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
‘Put your head on my shoulder’ – Michael Buble
I hope you know that only applies to a girl.

How do you feel today?
Nikita- Elton John
God forbid. Na who be Nikita? If she fine sha, I fit feel am.

What is your life’s purpose?
‘Do I do’ – Stevie Wonder
I just wanna do what I wanna do. Do you have any problems with that?

What do your friends think of you?
‘Scream’ – Timbaland
Yeah, the babes always scream in delight when they see me.

What do you think of your parents?
‘Blue Eyes’ – Elton John
Blue kini? None of my parents has blue eyes O! Oh I know, I used to be black and blue back in those days after my father finished dealing with me.

What do you think about very often?
Bump, bump, bump – b2K feat. P.Diddy
Yeppa! This my ipod na babawere O! OMG! Am I allowed to cheat? Okay let me take that question again. On second thoughts…

What is 2+2?
‘Gangsta loving’ – Eve feat. Alicia Keys
I’m still trying to figure out where that came from.

What do you think of your best friend?
Candle in the wind – Elton John
Awwww…., sob, sob, sniff, sniff. I must tell him this.

What do you think of the person you like?
Drop it like it’s hot – Snoop Dog feat. Pharell Williams
Hmmm…. I wonder which one of you guys on blogville that song is talking about? LOL

What is your life story?
Happy New year – Nat King Cole
Well, I was wishing someone happy New year sometime in July. It was my first time of seeing the person this year. I guess that shows the type of person I am.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Don’t be cruel – Bobby Brown
Correct one! I don’t want to be cruel when I grow up

What do you think when you see the person you like?
‘It’s getting hot in here’ – Nelly
Nice one, another correct one. I’m beginning to like this meme thing.

What do your parents think of you?
‘You haven’t done nothing’ – Stevie Wonder
As if that’s not what they all think of us all? Abi I lie?

What will you dance to at your wedding?
‘So sick of you’ Ne-Yo
Already? Lol

What will they play at your funeral?
‘Something about the way you look tonight’ Elton John
Yeah, after am all dressed up in my nice tuxedo lying peacefully in a gold casket.

What is your hobby/Interest?
Riding – Chamillionaire
Well, urm… I like cycling sha.

What is your biggest secret?
Falling- Alicia Keys
Whatever, I’m not even giving you a clue.

What do you think of your best friends?
‘Shake it fast’ – Mystikal
Yeah, shake that thing fast, baby.

What should you post this as?
‘Have I told you lately that I love you?’ Steve Brookstein
The blogger in question knows herself.

Phew! That wasn’t so hard or was it?

Now its my turn to tag the following people, sasuke, vera, jaybabe, shonavixen and naijagoodgirl.

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Niaja Bloggers - Final Series

I hope you guys will not be disappointed by my decision to bring my description of Nigerian bloggers to an end. Believe me it was nothing but a wicked diversion. Walahi, I just got carried away when I started seeing beautiful images in my dreams and a voice told me that the images belonged to bloggers. I wanna go back to my original mission of blogging about Nigeria as a whole, Nigerian people and Nigerian culture.

Before I bring the series to a close sha, I need to describe someone bold and err…. Beautiful?

Vera, I like your boldness. You were one of the first persons I wanted to describe but anytime I shut my eyes, like you did in your photo, to visualise you I see the picture of an angel. Is that you? There’s something about you sha that reminds me of Iman, the Somalian model, but not as tall.

Until you confirm whether that angel is you or not I have composed a poem for you:

Dear bloggers,

My name is
Vera, not just an afrobabe, but a proper Naijababe
these are no ordinary naijalines, cos everyonelovesanaijababe.

I’m not a
nigeriandramaqueen, but thequeenofmycastle, theicequeen.
give me an
aphrodite and I could be a real femmefatale
especially when I’m out on a spin like Solomonsydelle!

anytime my
charizard’s on fire I’ll ask for a Shirak!

that is my naijaleta to you all.

Na you sabi! I say I dey write poem for Vera baby, you dey tell me say e no rhyme. Rhyme ko, nursery ni.

Mommy! You subtracted a whole percentage point from me because I said you were a size sixteen. You said you fluctuate between a fourteen and a sixteen. Yeah right!
I will expose your asiri to everybody on blogville. You see, when mommy goes to buy clothes, she goes to the fourteen section first and struggles to get into a fourteen but every fiber in her body is shouting sixteen, sixteen. Even the sales assistants have to remind her that she’s a sixteen. You deducted another point because I said you had short hair. What’s your idea of long hair? You see, my ex, not the immediate one, but my ex, ex, ex…anyway, never mind. Her hair was so long she used to trip on it when walking unless she tied it up. If I lie make I baff naked. So mommy, if your hair is not that long then to me it is short.

Bumight, speak now or forever remain quiet! On second thoughts, please don’t speak you just might go and mention the right person.

Now everybody is threatening me with those Brixton boys, even theicequeen all the way from Poracot! Me I no fear anybody joo!

A beg make una follow me beg Charizard make e no commot for blogville O.

Reminds me of Afrobabe’s comment on Charizard’s age. The ogbologbo of blogville, the one and only afrobabe, suspects Charizard couldn’t be older than 21. How she take sabi? Ogbologbo knows about men inside out. Just the way I know about women.

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Naija Bloggers Part 3

For some funny reasons there were no comments for the first couple of days after my last blog on Nigerian bloggers so I thought my fellow bloggers had voted with their keypads. No comments means, ‘we don’t like your post’. ‘Who do you think you are?’ ‘Dis Naijaleta sef. He just joined us and he is trying to break the sanctimonious fa├žade of the religious piety code of the ancient Order of the Nigerian bloggers’ society’. I thought you guys considered my last post a sacrilegious and contemptuous indiscretion, which should be visited with the dreaded declaration of Omerta, complete, deafening, ear-shattering silence. I thought I had been declared persona-non grata in blogsville.

By the way, where was I? Ah, yes!

Again, much respect to everyone who dropped a comment and to those who did not.

When I wrote the first draft for this post I had not heard from bumight and undacovasista. Mehn, afraid catch me no be small. Dat kain undacovasista fit arrange make some Brixton boys organize me O. Not to worry anyway, I’ve heard from them. Bumight said I was 75% accurate with her description and undacovasista would neither deny nor confirm that she’s mixed. Hmmm… she reminds me of Babangida who refused to deny or confirm whether he was still interested in running for Presidency, then…

Theicequeen wants me to describe her. My dear, be careful what you wish for. You see, there’s a way a person writes that tells me what she looks like go ask anigeriandramaqueen who said my description of her was 98% correct. You see, if I connect with your writing on a particular level I can describe you down to your bra size! I know you're fine sha, very fine.

Mommy, mommy. I’m seeing a chocolate coloured, round faced person with short hair and a lovely smile. One of those people who are difficult to annoy but if you cross her peren,...she’s like Naomi Campbell. You see, something tells me mommy is actually a size 16 now but she wants to go back to the size 12 she was before she gave birth to tontolo. I’m feeling that she has this green striped T-shirt and grey jogging bottoms she wears around the house and which she always wears when she’s writing her blog. Walahi, I don’t know where that came from but mommy will confirm whether that is true or not.

You see, I keep confusing oluwadee’s image with that of Agbani Darego, which she has on her blog. I’m feeling that she’s a light skinned version of the ex-beauty queen. No, she’s not dark, FemmeFatale is the dark one.

Out of respect for the headmistress of blogville, solomonsydelle, I won’t tell you what she looks like. (Note that I said, ‘looks like’ and not ‘what I think she looks like’). Naijababe, I sure hope those lips are yours, SD (solomonsydelle) does not belong to any confraternity, she’s a sweet wife of one husband and mother of three children.

Charizard is definitely tall and lanky, a bit like Naija version of Peter Crouch but not as tall. If I lie, make I baff naked. Chariz, Chariz, there’s something about him that tells me he’s either in his late teens or very early twenties. Charizard mi, take that as the biggest compliment I have ever paid anyone on this blog. If anybody could grant me a wish, I would wish to be at least ten years younger.

There’s something about sasuke that tells me he is a very fine, light skinned bloke. He’s not very tall, about 5ft 10” tall, ok, maybe 6ft on the dot.

I’m only describing the fine ones? Would you want me to describe you if you were not fine?

I’m falling uncontrollably passionately in love with a female blogger, I won’t tell you who it is. Maybe oluwadee could use that to practise her matchmaking skills.

I was so happy to read bumight’s comment. No, she’s not the one I’m in love with. No, not because she’s not fine she’s…. oh, common, whatever!

See ya!

Monday, 23 June 2008

Naomi Campbell & Sir Mark Thatcher

One is the spoilt son of a former British Prime Minister well known for her deep hatred for black people and the other is a hard working, rich, super-model with a bit of a temper problem. They are both British citizens and have both been tried and sentenced abroad for crimes committed.

Everybody knows Naomi has a temper problem. The sort of problem no Therapy can cure. Naomi is just Naomi end of story. My advice to you if you ever need to serve her in any capacity is, don’t provoke her or else she will throw anything she can lay her hands on at you and if she is not holding anything she will attempt to hit you. If she is not within striking distance she will spit at you. Don’t cross Naomi or else kataka go burst. On the other hand, depending on who the beholder is, Naomi is very beautiful and successful.

If Naomi was a white girl, one professor of Anthropomorphic and Homogeneity Psychology at Cambridge or Oxford University would have come forward with an explanation for her feisty temper.

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the recent scuffle she had on board a British Airways plane. (Yes O, British Airways again. If they have no respect for even Naomi Campbell, Oh Yea Nigerian, what makes you think they give a hoot about you?)

Naomi has just been sentenced to 200 hours Community service for spitting at a Police-Officer trying to remove her from a British Airways flight when she became disruptive after being told that her luggage was not on board. The day after that incident, a colleague at the office opined that as long as she apologised to the Police-Officers for the incident she wouldn’t be prosecuted. He did not think the Crown Prosecution Service would take Naomi to court for spitting at a Police-Officer if she apologises. Unfortunately for Naomi, my colleague was wrong. Naomi apologised but she was prosecuted and sentenced.

Compare Naomi’s case with that of Sir Mark Thatcher who was arrested sometime in 2004 in South Africa over a plot to topple the regime of President Teodoro Obiang Nguema of Equatorial-Guinea and was incarcerated in South-Africa pending his trial and extradition to Equatorial-Guinea. His mother, Margaret Thatcher, flew to South-Africa and went to plead on his behalf. Interesting that she went to beg members of the ANC party, the same party she described as a terrorist organisation some years back. The South-African government entered into a plea bargain with Sir Mark Thatcher and he was convicted of a lesser offence because he claimed that the he did not know that the Helicopter he purchased for the coup plotters was to be used for the coup plot. He was fined £260,000:00 and given a four year suspended sentence. He has since left South-Africa for Spain where he now lives.

The other alleged coup plotters arrested were extradited to Equatorial-Guinea where they were being tried recently. During the trial, Simon Mann, one of the alleged coup plotters arrested, said Mark Thatcher was the major financier of the failed coup plot. He knew about the coup plot and played a major role in it. Mark Thatcher is free today enjoying with his family simply because his mother was able to pull strings to get him released. Who says Nepotism occurs only among black people?

The fact of the matter is that for as long as undesirable elements like Sir Mark Thatcher, a British Knight, remain free, Africa’s economic resources are not safe. What the likes of them specialise in is pulling down governments in Africa and setting up puppet regimes to take care of their selfish business interests.

I’m very sure that the Equatorial Guinean government will be very generous towards anyone who provides information that will lead to the arrest of Sir Mark Thatcher and extradition to Equatorial Guinea, where he should be tried for his crimes.

PS: As you guys know, my blog is primarily on political news and events so I had to put this particular post up. PART 3 of ‘Nigerian bloggers’ is coming very soon, by popular demand!

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Still On Nigerian Bloggers

AH, you see, you didn’t have to wait long for part 2 did ya?

In continuation of my dedication to fellow Nigerian bloggers I need to mention The Explorer, a fellow Naija blogger, blogging from Kaduna State. He posted a comment on my blog and decided to make that comment the subject matter of his post. Much respect man! Once in a while I Google ‘Naijaleta’ just to see how many links I have, (you guys should do that too). There were about four different links to ‘Naijaleta’ from that singular post on The Explorer's blog. I have been living in the UK for a while and did not realise that the Obama campaign success would generate so much buzz within the Nigerian political stage.

Appreciations, felicitations and conviviality, (abeg jus read on don’t bother picking up the dico. I’m not even sure of what those words mean) to those who posted comments on my last post, and to those who did not. Aloofar, point noted, I will amend your URL on my blog roll. What archive are you talking about Mommy? Me I no tosh anibodi archive O! Na my jeje a jus dey go O. How’s Tontolo?

Be honest Naijabloggers, how many of you try and imagine what an anonymous blogger really looks like? (Most of us are anonymous innit?). No intrusion of privacy meant but you just can’t help but wonder what a particular anonymous blogger really looks like. Before I give you what could turn out to be a completely inaccurate description of some of these anonymous bloggers let me give you a vague description of myself. I’m dark skinned, around 5ft 10” tall and never met anyone who said I was not good-looking.

Let me tell you what I think anigeriandramaqueen looks like, around 5ft 4” tall, dark skinned, perfect set of teeth and a lovely smile with a size 8 body. (She said she was size 8 so no prizes for that). I’m not intruding into your privacy but something about you just reminds me of my twenty year old cousin and it’s her description I’ve just given above. Oops I forgot to add, very pretty with long natural hair.

I think Bumight is light skinned with a slightly pointed nose, cuddly, not more than a size 10 and laughs a lot. I also think she’s got short hair and would probably not be much taller than anigeriandramaqueen above and very beautiful. Please, please, don’t go into hiding again O! It’s just my imagination running riot. Oya, pele.

There’s something about the signature images on these two blogs that just drive me crazy, Femme fatale and Afrobabe. That of Femme fatale is just wicked! Ah, I won’t tell you what or who comes to my mind anytime I see that picture and I won’t try and describe those two either. Kilode? You wanna put me in trouble?

The first time I saw solomonsdelle’s blog I thought it belonged to a guy until I read her post about re-writing history. Well done sister. Talking about sisters, need to mention undacovasista, something tells me she’s mixed race. OH, Naijaleta you’ve got to stop this guesswork you’re doing O. It’ll get you into trouble. (My inner voice, see how loud it was).

I’m sure you blokes out there would be wondering why it’s only the babes I’ve been mentioning. Like duhhh…? The babes blog more often than you guys. Give it up for the sisters!!! I’m feeling you gan ni.

Is it me or are there more female Naija bloggers than male bloggers?

On a more serious note, not that I’m looking for a wife but don’t you guys think it’ll be fun marrying a fellow blogger?

I’m I feeling a Part 3 coming? Are you guys bored?

Monday, 16 June 2008

Of Nigerian Bloggers

I started this blog on 27th May 2008. When I started, I had no idea the Nigerian blogosphere was this busy. To be honest with you I thought there were just going to be a couple of Nigerian bloggers. I was pleasantly surprised to be proved wrong.

This post is dedicated to fellow Nigerian bloggers, some of whom I would mention and some I would not mention, just refer to them. I apologise for not providing links to the blogs I will mention because I want the post to be free flowing, like free flowing florida. (Don’t you just like that name?) As for the other blogs I will not mention or even refer to abeg don’t take it personal. This is not a valedictory blog I will mention your blog later. Like you know, we write these posts as the spirit leads, as in the one in the bottle. (Can’t write without my shakis (liquor) beside me.)

Before I started blogging, I Googled certain key-words, like, ‘Nigerian bloggers’, ‘Nigeria’ and ‘Naija’ and I made some interesting discoveries. Bella Naija was the first blog I saw and it sits right there on the first SERP (Search Engine Report Page) of the key-word ‘Naija’ in Google. Abeg how una take do am? Then I saw another blog, Naijablog, a few links down but still on the first SERP and decided to check it out. To my utter amazement, it belonged to one Oyinbo boy like this! As if to prove that he is Oyinbo proper he attached a picture of his parents to that day’s post.

At this point I have to remember Oluwadee. She was the first person to welcome me to Naija blog life. Don’t you guys think Oluwadee would make a wonderful wife for her husband to be? I wish her a happy married life and plenty of good things to come.

Then there’s the issue of intruders. Young ladies blogging anonymously since that is the only way they can express themselves in our bigoted, myopic and parochial society. Some morrafucking SOB would start threatening them that they know who they are and they would expose them. WTF!!!!! Why don’t you mind you effing business? If you don’t have anything better to do go get a bar of soap and wank off or something just get out of my face! Honestly, fellow bloggers, I think we should appoint a Headmaster of some sort to deal with these SOBs. Or what do you think? I would like to personally nominate ablackJamesBond. He has the experience, way back from Primary school days. Did you read about how he dealt with Ibukun? Hilarious stuff. That reminds me, a friend was asking me why Bumight posted a comment on my blog that she would ‘remain open’. Then I explained that she was being threatened into going private by one of those SOBs. My friend said, Oh oh. Stupid guy, I wondered what sort of open he thought the poor lady meant. Shio.

Yeppa! Time has gone and I haven’t even mentioned half the people I would love to mention. Then you’ll have to watch out for Part II of this post. I’m sorry for making it look like a Nigerian Home video.

PS: My fellow Chelsea fans, this season is ours!!! We have signed Big Phil. Oh God I’m so excited. Managers don’t come better than Big Phil. This guy is a World-Cup winning coach, he’s England’s albatross. On three different occasions in a space of four short years his teams put England out of an international football competition. Let Drogba and Lampard go wherever they want to go Big Phil will easily find replacements for them.

Thank you. That is the end of the end of my public announcement.

Friday, 13 June 2008

Good Night Adedibu

I received a mail from Nigeria yesterday that the strong man of Ibadan Politics, Chief (thug) Lamidi Ariyibi Akanbi Adedibu has died. I had to make calls to Nigeria to confirm that the news was true. Rumours about the death of Nigerian politicians are quite rife. This same Adedibu was rumoured to have died sometime last year.

Your reaction to Adedibu’s death will depend on what side of the political spectrum you belong to. Adedibu was a self confessed political thug. He has been a thug since he was twenty-four years old with the now defunct Action Group. He once said in an interview that he could not separate Politics from thuggery.

Adedibu had several acronyms, which included, ‘the Alafin of Molete’, ‘Adedibully’, ‘the Ekarun of Olubadan’. Other acronyms included ‘Field Marshall of the Garrison Command of Ibadan Politics. He was perhaps best known as the exponent of ‘Amala politics’.

He was a man who believed a certain portion of the monthly allocation for Oyo state was his divine right. It is said that the former Oyo State governor, Ladoja, was impeached because he failed to pay Adedibu 25% of the Government’s monthly security vote. Although the governor was later re-instated but Adedibu promised him that he would not be voted for a second term in office and that was exactly what happened.

The late exponent of ‘Amala politics’ was the one who determined who held what position in Oyo state and for how long the position was held by that person. Forget about your qualifications or lack of it you held whatever position in Oyo state that Adedibu deemed fit for you - no questions asked.

Adedibu’s thugs destroyed Oyo State controlled broadcasting stations recently. Reason: Baba did not want the governor to use the media to make any announcements to the state.

Ten years from today some of the people who had benefited from his ‘Amala politics’ would stand up and say that Adedibu was a man of peace who contributed immensely to the development of Oyo State and Nigeria in particular.

Anyhoos, I saw this clip on YouTube and I thought you guys would love it. Enjoy and have a nice weekend.

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Nigeria's Lying Generals

It is true that in Africa you do not talk ill of the dead but that does not give you a license to insult the living. How can Babangida (abi se na Babaginda, I no sabi bo), Buhari and Abdulsalami say that Abacha never stole any money from Nigeria’s treasuries? To start with, I love it when the words, ‘steal’ or ‘stole’ are used when describing what these rulers have done. I hate words like ‘embezzle’ and ‘misappropriation’. Barawo na barawo, ole, onyoshi.

Anyway, it’s been ten years so maybe I should refresh your memory. Methuselahs like me have the impression that everybody was around and have a vivid impression of what happened ten years ago.

I think it was June 8 (or was is it June 6?) ten years ago that Nigerians broke into spontaneous celebration. I arrived work late on that fateful and I was already thinking of what fabu to give my boss but when I got to work I met everyone crowded around the television set, watching CNN in the newsroom(I was working with a Newspaper company then). My boss, the editor, looked up as I entered the newsroom and said to me, ‘congratulations, Abacha is dead.’ For those of you who don’t remember who Abacha was that should sum it up for you.

Now on the event of the tenth year anniversary of his death, three of his closest friends are saying he didn’t steal any money. Ibrahim Babangida, actually described him as, ‘courageous, loyal and honest…’ Honest?!! Abacha, honest? Babangida is notorious for double speaking. In an Interview with Newswatch in July 2000, Babangida was quoted to have said Abacha’s death brought relative stability to the country. He also said during the same July 2000 interview that the revelation of Abacha’s loot surprised him. In that interview, Babangida also blamed Nigerians for allowing Abacha to turn himself into a dictator. That was only eight years ago.

On Buhari’s part, he said, ten years after, allegations against Abacha remain unproven. Excuse me Mr. General sir, if you haven’t been shuttling from one courtroom to another in furtherance of your selfish bid to become President for the last six years and had been paying attention to current news you would have known that the Swiss authorities have returned some of the money Abacha stole.

As for Abdusalami, how can he talk ill of Abacha? He was the most fortunate beneficiary of Abacha’s death. He even praised Abacha for Vision 2010. Why did he not continue with the vision when he succeeded him?

The connection between the four generals is obvious, Abacha was the person who announced Buhari’s coup on 31st December 1983, Babangida took over from Buhari and Abacha was a key player in Babangida’s government. Then Abacha took over from Babangida, when Abacha died Abdusalami succeeded him. End of story.

On the other hand, maybe Akinjide, who was disparaging Chief Obafemi Awolowo recently, should borrow a leaf from those three Generals.

Monday, 9 June 2008

Solutions To Nigeria's problems

When I started this blog I decided to write about Nigeria’s problems from a laid back point of view but immediately felt people would think I am trivialising Nigeria’s problems. I’m beginning to suspect my feelings about what people would think is true.

My last two posts on Barack Obama’s victory, which came across as very serious received quite a few responses. It appears people take me seriously when I come across as very serious. Honestly, I believe that you can’t be too passionate about Nigeria’s problems. We’ve got to look for more practical solutions to our problems and that brings me to what one of the bloggers said in his comment. He said and I quote, ‘…blogging evidently, will be the next political platform of the future.’ I could not agree with him more. I am one of those truly grateful for the advent of Internet technology that has made it possible for someone like me to publish my thoughts out there for the world to see without paying so much money or licking some editor’s arse. (Pardon my language).

Before Obama’s victory I wanted to continue writing about Nigerian Policemen extorting money from motorists. I wanted to make an appeal to fellow bloggers living in Nigeria to please take pictures or even make video recordings of such Policemen and publish these videos or pictures on their blogs. What are we doing with all those Nokia N95, LG Viewty and I-phones that I hear are quite common in Nigeria now? Oh, sorry no light to charge the phones. Seriously, bloggers should P-L-E-A-S-E start taking pictures or making video recordings of these criminal acts and publish them on their blogs. On the other hand, you can e-mail the pictures and the video recordings to me and I’ll be glad to do the honours. My e-mail address is I’ll be waiting to hear from you guys.

Sill on the issue of bloging as a way forward in Nigeria, I really think people should blog seriously about things happening in Nigeria with a view to exposing corrupt government officials. Someone said, 'dem no get shame' but I tell una say dem get family wey get shame. E sweet craze man make im go dance naked for market place na im family no go let am.

Another important point that was made was the fact that we have people like Obama in the country but we do not have political parties that will accommodate them so when they are eventually elected instead of them to carry out their agenda they have to satisfy those responsible for their coming into power first and there is no end to satisfying these vultures. Hmm… true talk.

My fellow bloggers how many of you want to join me in this blogging revolution to turn this country around for good? Let us start by publishing pictures or even videos of public servants, especially policemen caught in criminal acts. I was telling a friend that one of the reasons why crime rate is relatively lower in civilized countries is because of the presence of CCTV cameras on the streets.

Friday, 6 June 2008

Where Is Nigeria's Obama?

I’m sure most of you will be wondering, ‘wetin concern Naijaleta with Obama sef, abi im tink say when Obama become President im go dey dash Naija pipul visa go America anyhow?’ Well, there’s nothing wrong in having hopes, is there?

Anyway, that is really not the point. I ended my last post by asking when Britain is going to have an Obama. The next question then is, when are we going to have an ‘Obama’ in Nigeria?

When are we going to have someone, who was completely unknown to the rest of the world four years ago, contesting to become President of Nigeria under the banner of one of the most prominent political parties in Nigeria? I tell my friends here in the UK that Nigeria is a very green country and I’m not referring to our National colour. What I mean is that we believe so much in recycling that we even recycle our old politicians. After a politician serves a particular Government we don’t allow him to retire we put him back on the queue to serve in another Government or make him head another public body immediately, ignoring his poor performance in Government and the plethora of allegations of incompetence and financial impropriety being levied against him. Abi no be recycling be dat?

I was ashamed to read about President Yar’adua’s election on the BBC website. It wasn’t his victory that was being reported it was the fact that he was Nigeria’s first graduate president since independence. I’m not being biased but I think it’s a shame that we are yet to produce a lawyer President in Nigeria. Some of the greatest leaders in the world were qualified Legal Practitioners before they became leaders of their respective countries. People like Nelson Mandela of South Africa, Bill Clinton of the United States, Tony Blair of the United Kingdom and even Fidel Castro of Cuba. Little wonder George Bush is not a lawyer. Yeye man. Of course, Barack Obama is a lawyer as well. When are we going to have an eloquent, soft-spoken, brilliant, lawyer contesting on the platform of a prominent Nigerian party to become President of Nigeria?

When will the time come when a member of a minority tribe in Nigeria be chosen as the Presidential candidate for a prominent Nigerian political party? Obama is considered black. When Obama was born there were no equal rights for black people in the United States but today his chances of becoming the next President of the US look brighter than that of any other person. Can a man from Isoko, a tribe from Delta State that I had never heard of until two years ago, ever dream of becoming Nigeria’s next President?

Finally, we must remember madam, Mama Clinton. How many of you noticed that she is not talking of joining another party or even registering another one quickly? After all, over eighteen million Americans voted for her. If she decided to break away and form another party or declare herself an independent candidate she could still have a shot at the Presidency. No, her principles would not allow her to do that. She has decided to support Obama’s Presidential campaign for the sake of the Democratic Party, which they both belong to. She considers the party’s interest more important than hers. When are we going to start having politicians like Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton in Nigeria?

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Obama's Victory

I may have to start today’s post by making another apology. Two, actually. Firstly, I’d like to apologise for not making any post yesterday. Did I hear someone say, ‘no one noticed.’ Anyway, my second apology is for the fact that my post today is dedicated to Barack Obama’s victory at the end of the US Democratic Party nominations. To some of you, Obama’s victory is like, ‘wetin concern agbero with overload’. May your own no be laik Saddam Hussein. Amen. Wherever he is now he must have learnt in a hard way that you don’t play games with whoever sits at the Oval office.

The reason I couldn’t make any posts yesterday was because I got carried away watching news bulletins on his victory.

As black people there is a lot Nigerians have to learn from Obama’s victory. One of the most important lessons to be learnt from his victory is that black people can rise from our present difficulties and dominate the world someday. It’s interesting that Obama is being referred to as a black person. There is a rule in Western societies called ‘the one drop rule.’ What this means is that you are considered black as long as there is one drop of black blood in your veins. Regardless of the fact that Obama’s mother is white he is considered black because his father was black. If Obama had married a white woman their children would still be considered black because Obama, their father, is black even though they are more white than black. The black blood in them is considered a stain.

Talking about marrying a white woman, one of the very first things I admired about Obama was the fact that he married a ‘sistah’. A beautiful, elegant well educated black woman! Big up for the black woman. He is not like the arse brained, over-pampered, over-paid, over-rated black professional footballers in the Premier league here who think it’s some kind of status symbol to be seen hand-in-hand with a white chick. Now, if this white girl wasn’t some blonde bimbo picked up from some night club in a seedy part of town their actions would have been excusable but... A beg make we tok beta.

Obama’s nomination to lead the Democratic Party forty-five years after Martin Luther King’s ‘I have a Dream’ speech is nothing short of remarkable. When Obama was born forty-six years ago inter-racial marriage was an offence in some parts of the United States; blacks and whites were not allowed to sit together on buses in some other states. Until the late sixties some schools in the United States would not admit blacks as students. That was how bad racial segregation was back in those days. Today however, a black-man is on his way to becoming the President of the United States of America, the most powerful public office in the Western world.

It has happened in the United States, when is it going to happen in Britain? One day, when the average Jamaican on the streets of Brixton stops living on marijuana and fathering babies like a rabbit; when the typical Nigerian in Peckham stops having that ultimate ambition of hitting a large sum of money in a shady deal in order to buy the latest Hummer jeep. One day, when our teenagers stop thinking it’s cool to carry knives and guns around on the streets of London and Birmingham, we just might have a black man leading one of the main Political Parties in Britain.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Super(?) Eagles of Nigeria

Apologies to every lady reading this post who does not like football. The entire post is going to be on the match between Nigeria and South Africa played on Saturday. As for men who don’t like football, I’m always suspicious of them. I believe most Nigerian men who claim not to like football only say so out of fear of losing their present girlfriends.

It’s always very good when we win home matches judging by our away record, which is very poor. Na only Nigeria (and England too sha) go beat Republic of Benin 6-0 for dem backyad come go Cotonu go follow dem play goalless draw. Haba! At the post-match press conference the coach (usually someone like Amodu Shuaib) will complain about the sub-standard pitch in Cotonu. Excuse me, what did you expect? You’re playing in Cotonu and there’s something called acclimatization, that’s why those boys are professionals. They get paid a lot of money for what they do and they should be able to adapt to certain conditions.

By the way, pardon my ignorance, when did they appoint Amodu Shuaib as Coach again? Abi se na Technical Adviser den dey call am? No be di same Amodu den don sack like one hundred times bifo, bifo? On the other hand, if this guy has already gone for coaching lessons and has learnt more about football from what he knew the last time he handled Super Eagles then I would say he deserves the job. However, if he hasn’t learnt anything new then it’s just a matter of time for him. By the way, se dat im bele don reduce sha? It doesn’t appear like the guy has learnt anything new O! The same problem he had during the 2002 African Nations Cup, when he last handled the Super Eagles, still remains with him. This guy just doesn’t know when to substitute his players or worse still, who to substitute for that matter! On the other hand, he was making excuses for the players’ sluggish performances that the NFA should move kick-off time to five O’clock. Dan bura… When these boys were in secondary school playing Principal Cup or Nations Cup at Ajegunle they could play under any condition. Dey don go Europe come now den no sabi play for inside sun again. Sege.

Over here in Europe they play under very harsh conditions as well, sub-zero degrees sometimes. They dare not complain because this is where they earn their wages. During the last World Cup, the heat in Germany was also severe at some points but you won’t hear these Oyinbo boys playing for their country blaming the heat for a lack-lustre performance. It is only our own boys who learnt to play football under the scorching sun who will come back from Europe to complain about the heat. Or is Shuaibu who’s just looking for something to say.

A beg wey di home-based boys jo?

Monday, 2 June 2008

Nigeria's Man Made Problems

Fellow Nigerians, isn’t it great to be back after the weekend? Walahi, som pipul go swear fo mi as I tok dat kain tok. Na who wan go back wok after weekend? Apart from Policemen and Court staff who cannot wait to go back to work and start collecting engunje again. You know what, I’ve never come across a Policeman who said he was on leave. Olopa no dey go leave, na hunger go kill im family.

A friend of mine returned to London after visiting Nigeria for a relative’s wedding with tales of woe of how Policemen were still extorting money from innocent civilians, unavailability of electricity, traffic jams and bad roads. At the end of his narration he asked me if I still believed in Nigeria. My answer was a resounding ‘YES’, that I still believed so much in Nigeria. I now went on to explain to my friend that every problem he experienced in Nigeria was man-made, not artificial but man-made. For instance, the day we get a sane Inspector-General of Police the menace of Policemen extorting money from innocent civilians will stop.
“What about traffic-jams?” My friend asked.
“The day Nigerians start to obey traffic rules traffic-jams will reduce.” I replied.
It’s not as if they don’t have traffic-jams in developed countries too but the difference is that when there is a traffic-jam motorists stay on their side of the road they don’t drive over the road divider and face oncoming traffic!

As for the issue of bad roads this is due to lack of maintenance. If the Government maintained the roads there would be fewer bad roads.

Isn’t it amazing the number of top of the range cars you see on our roads as bad as they are? Talking about top of the range cars, did you hear about the Nigerian who went to a bank in the middle of New York to ask for a $25,000:00 loan? Anyway, there was this Nigerian who went to a top bank in Manhattan, New-York to negotiate for a $25,000:00 loan for a month. He was very smartly dressed on that day so the bank manager was quite impressed and reckoned he must have a good job and therefore credit worthy. However, there was the little problem of security for the loan. When the Nigerian was asked for security he said, “no problem, you can use my Bentley as security for the Loan. I just bought it last month and it cost me a Hundred thousand Dollars. It’s parked outside.” The bank manager asked for the registration papers for the Bentley, which he checked and to his amazement the car actually belonged to the Nigerian and he’s paid for it in full.
Without wasting any more time the bank manager processed the loan and transferred the money to this man’s account. The interest payable for the loan for a month was two hundred Dollars. After the money was transferred the Bentley was parked inside a well secured garage.
Exactly a month later the Nigerian returned with $25,200:00 cash, which he handed over to the manager. After the manager verified that the money was complete he ordered the Bentley to be brought from the garage and handed the Keys over to the Nigerian.
As the Nigerian was driving out, the manager asked him what business he was into that made him turn the money around so quickly.
“Tell me,” The Nigerian started. “How else can I get a secured parking space for my $100,000:00 brand new Bentley for a whole month for only $200:00 in the middle of Manhattan?” The Nigerian asked the bemused bank manager as he drove away.

Friday, 30 May 2008

Hand Over Notes

My fellow Nigerians, di one wey I hia yestade I laff so tey I dey piss for boxers. Talking about boxers, my friend from Nigeria called the other day and asked if I was still a member of the ‘tubeless-club’. Tubeless? Fo this kol’ kontri? Any attempt to do tubeless for dis kontri na kol’ go freeze una blokos.
Sorry for the digression, I just couldn’t but mention that. Anyway, I hia say mai-gida no fit pafom sake of say Aremu, Baba Iyabo no gi’am hand-over notes bifo im go Ota.

I thought about this matter carefully and asked my friends why Aremu, Baba Iyabo could have omitted to perform such an important task and my friends came up with very interesting excuses for the Ota Landlord.

First Friend: “Baba Iyabo actually prepared a very well written and detailed hand-over note which he kept very close to himself in order to personally place it in Mai-gida’s hands. One fateful day however, after a meal of hot amala, gbegiri soup and palm wine, Baba-Iyabo had to go and use the toilet. After doing his business Baba-Iyabo discovered that there was no toilet roll in the toilet so he decided to improvise with the hand-over note and since it took him eight years to write that one Mai-gida would have the hand-over notes in about seven years time”.

Second Friend: “Haba! How can there be a toilet in Aso-Rock with no toilet roll? This was what actually happened. The hand-over notes were actually prepared on a Word document and they were supposed to be e-mailed to Mai-gida but you see Baba got too impatient with the Cisco trained, Microsoft certified, Internet expert, software genius, UN recommended IT consultant who was brought in from the United States to teach him how to send e-mails so instead of hitting the SEND button Baba hit the DELETE button and that’s why Mai-gida never got the hand-over notes.”

Third Friend: “Hand-over notes Ko, leg-under notes nii? Who gave Abdusalami hand-over notes when he took over from Abacha? No be Indian prostitute hand-over apple to Abacha? Abi who gave Baba-Iyabo himself hand-over notes when Muritala was killed? So are you trying to say Mai-gida has not used any toilet in Aso-Rock because he doesn’t have the hand-over notes? Or are you saying the guy has not received any salary since he became President because those are the sort of things you should expect to find in a hand-over note. Look gentlemen, I have a lot of respect for the President and I’m hoping this shameless excuse for gross ineptitude is not coming from him but the sadistic, vitriolic and rancorous vituperations of a redundant civil servant who has….”

At that point I had to stop him, babu turenchi sose fa!

My dilemma is that I don’t know which one of them to agree with because the first two each appeared like they were giving an eye-witness account of the situation.

Abeg fellow Nigerians, which one of the three do you agree with?

Till Monday, have a nice weekend.